At the Brink
This excerpt from Chapter 2 of my Biolar/Asperger’s memoir of finding love shows the beginnings of a psychotic breakdown.
I feel the electric light glowering at me. I look around the room in my basement apartment. The men following me. The phone call from Yvonne. Nothing is making sense. Obeah island witchcraft? Danielle’s thing. Danielle is the island woman. The room spins again. I feel like someone is watching me. I feel someone here— looking in the window.
Jumpy thoughts. Buzzing mind. I know the signs. Feeling the victim of a plot. Fear of being followed— of being watched— of evil spells coming out of an inanimate object— panic— magical thinking— paranoid ideation. I have made the break with reality. I have entered the deep, dark hollows of the paranoid’s world. Terror! I pick up the phone and dial. 242-6637.
“Hello, Dr.’s office.”
“Hello, may I please speak to Dr. Agostinucci?”
“Hold on a minute.”
“Hello, this is Dr. Agustinucci.”
“Hello, Joey. It’s Ellen. I’ve got to talk to you. Can you talk?”
“Yeah, you got me at a good time. I’m just in between sessions. What’s up?”
“Joey, I don’t know. I’m flipping out. I can’t sleep. I called Danielle last night and told her.”
“You told her what?”
“I told her what I told you— that I loved her. And then she told me that she wasn’t ‘that way’. And then . . . ” I start crying. “Oh, Joey, I’m so scared. I mean it means that all along I couldn’t see reality. I’ve been living in this fantasy world all this time, thinking Danielle’s in love with me and gay, and I’ve been drinking and drinking because I haven’t been able to sleep. And then today I started thinking that spells were coming out of the elephant that Sundra gave me. So I took the bus up to Columbia to throw it away. And then I thought two men were following me home. And Yvonne called me up from work and, Joey, I think it’s all a plot . . . ”
“Wait a minute, calm down. You’re all upset!”
I continue. “Yvonne and Danielle are in cahoots. Maybe they’re both testing me to see if I’m gay. Joey, I don’t know how I’m going to go to work tomorrow and face Danielle and face Yvonne . . . ”
“Calm down. One thing at a time. You’re overwrought.”
“But, Joey, I don’t know what is real and what’s not real anymore. I can’t sleep and I can’t stop crying.”
“Okay, look, I’ll give you a prescription. I’ll call in the prescription to the pharmacy. They’re probably still open. I’ll have it delivered. Just give me the name of the pharmacy you use— the one nearest you.”
“Uh . . . I’ve got to look it up— just a second . . .” I run to the bathroom to find a prescription bottle.
“Joey, it’s Rexall on 76th Street. The phone number is 663-7684.”
“Okay, look, I’m going to give you a prescription for Valium, 2 mgs. Take one pill and see what happens. If you still feel very anxious, take two.”
“Okay.”
“Listen, I think you should go to work tomorrow.”
“Joey how can I? I keep bursting into tears.”
“Look, the Valium will help calm you. It’ll be a whole lot worse if you stay home. I suggest you call the Health Service first thing in the morning and make an appointment to see someone. Tell them it’s an emergency.”
“Okay, Joey, I guess you were right. You always told me I needed therapy and I always told you that I felt I’d go to pieces one day and now it seems that day has come.”
“Listen, you’re extremely upset. Take the Valium and try to get some sleep. If you need me you know where to reach me. And if things really get bad you know you can always go over to the emergency room in Lenox Hill.”
“Yeah, that’s right, I can always go there.”
“Listen, when I call in the prescription I’ll arrange for them to deliver it, too, so you don’t have to do anything. You have enough money to pay for it?”
“I don’t know. Let me see. Yeah, I think I do,” I say as I scramble through my purse.
“Okay, look, are you going to be able to answer the door? Or are you still scared of those men?”
“No, the doorbell only rang twice. Whoever it was is long gone. I’m not scared of that anymore.”
“Good. So just wait for the delivery. I’ll tell them to speed it up.”
“Thanks a lot, Joey! Thanks for everything!”
“Okay, take care, get some rest. I’ll call you tomorrow to see how you are.”
“Okay, thanks a lot, Joey, bye.”
“Bye, Hon.”
For information on the memoir see: http://www.amazon.com/Eye-locks-Other-Fearsome-Things-ebook/dp/B007TOOF56/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1345051643&sr=1-1&keywords=eye-locks The book is also available on Barnes & Noble Nook, iBooks and Smashwords.
MOONSIDE 
This is so tragic. Oh, I’m so sorry Ellen.
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March 12, 2013 at 10:28 AM
No need to feel sorry, Arjun, but thank you for your compassion. Things got far worse. This was just the beginning. You play the hand you’re dealt. I am just sorry I lost a lot of time. I do believe it was my karma and it all was a life-changing experience.
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March 12, 2013 at 10:57 AM
That’s the right attitude to life but it takes courage and enlightenment,
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March 12, 2013 at 1:16 PM
I can’t always live by that, but I try. That’s all we can do.
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March 12, 2013 at 4:17 PM
It takes courage to share such episodes.
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March 12, 2013 at 11:39 AM
Thank you.
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March 12, 2013 at 4:45 PM
The broken shards of a distant past, … heartbreaking. The life we have to walk and the suffering we encounter. Finding the right words to write this down in this is already a tour de force. Suffering brings us humans together once we feel strong enough to share. But that is really the only thing suffering is good for.
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March 12, 2013 at 7:01 PM
True–sharing and learning hard lessons.
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March 12, 2013 at 8:16 PM
Im sorry you were dealt these cards. I hurt for you as I read this. Getting a proper diagnosis and treatment can be so difficult and time consuming. Was Joey on top of things or unaware? Joey called you “hon”, how did that make you feel?
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March 12, 2013 at 7:30 PM
Joey was not my therapist. This is made clear in the beginning of the book which I did not post. He was an old boyfriend who was studying psychiatry and he was just being a good friend to me. Hence, the “Hon”. He was trying to get me into therapy all through college but it took an emergency for me to get help. It has a happy ending though it took forever to get there. The Bipolar diagnosis took about a year or less– the Asperger’s was just two years ago. Thank you so much for your intelligent questions and your empathy. Others have it far worse. I was trying to see your blog but couldn’t get to it– do you have one?
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March 12, 2013 at 8:26 PM
This intrigues me in a heartfelt way. My friend who is a male, wants to much to find a wife, but I think his bi polar and aspergers tends to worry him about whether he can support or have a normal marriage. Is love difficult for you? I mean having a relationship? I am trying to understand the best. Him and I, I am a woman, have similar personalties as our friendship is special despite us living hundreds of miles from each other. He is a genius mentality as well. He too is a writer by profession. But says he has the attention span of a squirrel. I love him deeply as a wonderful friend and comrade in this journey called life. How can I be the best friend to him? I want to email him, but know that he gets overwhelmed by all the people he invites to his websites. Then he gets overwhelmed by deadlines for his writing profession. Do people with aspergers/bi polar want closeness or see relationships in different ways? I really care about him and want to help him as much as I can. He is on meds for that as well as his other health issues like diabetes now. If you can share what you are able to help me do for him what would help him the most as a friend. I’d so appreciate your perspective. I admire your courage and tenacity. Bless you
Yisraela
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March 19, 2013 at 12:53 AM
Thank you for your blessings and appreciation of what I am trying to do. Definitely your friend can have a wife. Definitely he can love. But it is not easy. I had to learn about my fears of closenss. I married a guy who is quite Aspie himself. Lots needs to be learned on both sides and both sides have to be willing to learn. In fact, the book I wrote is all about how I learned to love, through therapy, relationships, my own self-instructions. It starts out with a homosexual love, my first, and that is unfulfilled but provides incentive for me to learn to love. I eventually do and find my husband finally. The book is available at Amazon on Kindle at:
http://www.amazon.com/Eye-locks-Other-Fearsome-Things-ebook/dp/B007TOOF56/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1345051643&sr=1-1&keywords=eye-locks It is also available at iBooks on iPad and Smashwords and on Barnes and Noble Nook.
I hate to sound like an advertisement but this is specifically why I wrote the book. I had very little hope of finding a love after a few failed relationships. I wrote this book to offer hope to those like me. It is NOT a how-to book but the examples, therapy sessions, and other epiphanies throughout the book I think could be very instructive to you and the friend you love. Take a look and see what you think.
It is admirable that you want to help your friend. There is also a video on my blog about an autistic couple worth watching: https://stockdalewolfe.com/2012/08/31/635/
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March 19, 2013 at 9:46 AM
Thank you for your blessings and appreciation of what I am trying to do. Definitely he can have a wife. Definitely he can love. But it is not easy. I had to learn about my fears of closenss. I married a guy who is quite Aspie himself. Lots needs to be learned on both sides and both sides have to be willing to learn. In fact, the book I wrote is all about how I learned to love, through therapy, relationships, my own self-instructions. It starts out with a homosexual love, my first, and that is unfulfilled but provides incentive for me to learn to love. I eventually do and find my husband finally. The book is available at Amazon on Kindle at: http://www.amazon.com/Eye-locks-Other-Fearsome-Things-ebook/dp/B007TOOF56/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1345051643&sr=1-1&keywords=eye-locks It is also available at iBooks on iPad and Smashwords and on Barnes and Noble Nook.
I hate to sound like an advertisement but this is specifically why I wrote the book. I had very little hope of finding a love after a few failed relationships. I wrote this book to offer hope to those like me. It is NOT a how-to book but the examples, therapy sessions, and other epiphanies throughout the book I think could be very instructive to you and the friend you love. Take a look and see what you think.
It is admirable that you want to help your friend. There is also a video on my blog about an autistic couple worth watching:
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March 19, 2013 at 9:46 AM
Thank you. I will check this out.
Namaste
Yisraela
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March 19, 2013 at 5:12 PM