Tyranny of Mind
4AM
and you a warm lump
under the covers
of Morpheus
Me wide awake
eyes moist with tears
I write
lest I forget
the vulnerability of you
yesterday
lest one day
you ARE no longer
a day of dread
so locked into desire
for your presence am I
fearful of the future
lest it tears me from you
or you from me
Not yet awake
to the wisdom
of the sages and the ages
to live forever in the present
“Until death do us part”
The import of those words
have begun to resound
with a fierce vengeance
now decades later
The treasure of you
multiplies like the loaves and fishes
I fear a famine
not of food
but of your presence
I try to hold each wrinkled emotion
on your face
in a forever place
lest you be torn from me
The specter of loss
hangs over me
haunting our life together
And yesterday
when you cried
when you disguised your tears
with embarrassed laughter
your eyes dripped diamonds,
sparkling as they fell
in response to mine
I crying because
there will never be
a “happily ever after”
at our age
sure as shooting
death will come
and rip us asunder
Perhaps our love
will be born again
in Samsara
but it is a “perhaps”
without a guarantee
My faith is feint
My heart shudders
and flutters
under the threat
of separation
as you lay
a lump of warmth
in the land of Nod
Our love a fairy tale
in a fierce steely reality
of endings.
“Unless we can discover that basic ground of goodness in our own lives, we cannot hope to improve the lives of others.”
Chogyam Trungpa
MOONSIDE 
I read this twice, so as to double the delight I took in these touchingly exquisite words. Your husband is very fortunate Ellen – and I am sure entirely deserving – in receiving such love and affection. How marvellous that you would express the same in poetry. H ❤
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March 25, 2015 at 12:36 PM
Thank you so much, Dear Hariod, for taking the time to read my poem not only once but twice. And thank you for your generous compliments. He IS entirely deserving and more but we do what we can. With much appreciation, xxoo ellen
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March 26, 2015 at 3:33 PM
absolutely brilliant… thanks for sharing!
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March 25, 2015 at 1:14 PM
Thank YOU so much for reading and commenting and encouraging words. Namaste, Ellen
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March 26, 2015 at 3:52 PM
you’re most welcome 🙂
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March 26, 2015 at 4:23 PM
So beautiful. Thank you
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March 25, 2015 at 1:32 PM
Thank you for dropping by and commenting. Hope you are doing better. Ellen
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March 26, 2015 at 3:34 PM
” your eyes dripped diamonds ” …such emotion , pathos , love felt in your poetry …beautiful Ellen , thank you for sharing the words behind your life …love xxxmeg
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March 25, 2015 at 3:49 PM
So glad the love comes through. Thank you so much for your kindness, xxoo ellen
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March 26, 2015 at 3:35 PM
Fierce, honest and beautiful!
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March 25, 2015 at 5:29 PM
Thank you, Richard, for stopping by and reading. Best, Ellen
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March 26, 2015 at 3:36 PM
What magnificent words and feelings. I felt sadness and joy.
Yisraela
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March 25, 2015 at 7:38 PM
Thank you, Yisraela, glad the feelings came through. Hugs and hope you’re better, Ellen
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March 26, 2015 at 3:37 PM
This has the rich and fecund melancholy of a ferment. Life stewing through the years. There was a moment once when my wife was asleep, and the room was dark, and I was making my way around the room (trying not to trip over the lamp or kick a shoe into the wall) to crawl into bed beside her, and the loneliness of the moment nearly bowled me over. We had returned from the trip on which we were married. And I realized: the “high” of the succour and joy that I could hardly put into words at being known, witnessed, loved, laughed at, smirked at, called out, and embraced would one day change form. This is a feeling we know, Ellen, and hopefully there can be some comfort in that larger human connectedness. Such sweetness and sorrow combined. The richest of life’s soils… Much Love to you,
Michael
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March 25, 2015 at 9:16 PM
Hi, Dear Michael. Well it took it a little longer for me to realize that what I had spent the first part of my life looking for and was delirious to find, would one day end. Yes, I am making a big effort to find the deep love for all inside and be in the moment– otherwise the mind does torture with fear. Thanks so much for writing about your experience. I certainly enjoyed reading about it and thinking about it. Your words are much appreciated! Lots of love, Ellen
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March 26, 2015 at 3:42 PM
Beautiful imagery and control of language.
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March 25, 2015 at 9:58 PM
Thank you, Elmediat, for reading and appreciating and commenting. Namaste, Ellen
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March 26, 2015 at 3:43 PM
you touched me deeply
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March 26, 2015 at 9:53 AM
From you, that means worlds to me, dear Paul. Thank you, ellen
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March 26, 2015 at 3:44 PM
Beautiful poem Ellen. I like all of it, and it’s one of the most detailed, and best poem I’ve read from you, and at the end you say:
“Our love a fairy tale
in a fierce steely reality
of endings.”
It’s a poem to analyze, that’s why I like it.
“Not yet awake
to the wisdom
of the sages and the ages
to live forever in the present”-
How interesting Ellen, the way you’ve written about wisdom, but also about a ‘fairy tale’. I wonder if it has to do with human process of aging and the probability of facing mortality alone. The poem is great, thanks.
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March 26, 2015 at 10:13 AM
I also love the title “Tyranny of Mind”, and the art work. Ellen, (I’m not that good at analyzing poems, I just gave it a try here)
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March 26, 2015 at 10:16 AM
Thank you for your appreciation. You did wonderfully analyzing!! 🙂
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March 26, 2015 at 3:48 PM
To your first comment, thank you, Maria of the Flowers, for reading and pondering and appreciating my poem. Yes, it is about the change of perspective as one ages and faces death and loss. It really is about love and loss of something so precious. Namaste, Ellen
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March 26, 2015 at 3:50 PM
Stunning. You love deeply. I understand it must be hard fearing a fierce end. I believe that the soul (love) remains.
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March 26, 2015 at 7:21 PM
Thank you so much, Kitt!! Love has to remain– there is nothing else.
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March 27, 2015 at 8:16 PM
This is beautiful and fine writing!
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March 26, 2015 at 7:36 PM
Thank you so much, Heartafire!! Namaste, Ellen
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March 27, 2015 at 8:17 PM
Ellen, this is so beautifully done. It’s dangerous to love so deeply, but shallow love doesn’t satisfy. You’ve chosen well.
Blessings ~ Wendy ❀
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March 30, 2015 at 9:17 PM
Thank you, Wendy. Yes, dangerous and in that danger lurks fear but as you said, worth every moment. Thanks for stopping by and commenting! Namaste, Ellen
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April 1, 2015 at 9:25 AM
I read this ages ago, Ellen, and I can’t remember why I didn’t answer at the time. I think this is such a beautiful piece. So warm, so loving, so gentle and strong. I find it very moving. x x
(Oh, by the way, I’m having serious doubts about my ongoing use of Seroquel. I’m sure you’ll understand.)
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April 2, 2015 at 5:13 PM
Always happy to hear from you, Ashley. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Oh, yes, I tried Seroquel and could not function at all. You know some of the older antipsychotics are good like the one I am taking, Thiothixene. Of course, you run the risk of tardive dyskinesia but I think that is true of the atypicals like Seroquel, too. Good luck finding a substitute. I am still in the middle of a switch, trying this homeopathic Lithium Orotate as part of the cocktail and it is pretty good. Best wishes, ellen xx
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April 4, 2015 at 6:25 PM
Thank you, Ellen. x o x
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April 4, 2015 at 7:56 PM
strong colors 🙂
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April 3, 2015 at 11:15 AM
Thank you, Joshi. Appreciate your input.
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April 4, 2015 at 6:18 PM
Beautiful and powerful poem! Thank you for sharing.
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April 4, 2015 at 2:24 PM
Thank you so very much, Adrian!!
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April 4, 2015 at 9:10 PM
My dear friend,
When reading your lines, words dripping from your heart about your love and your husband, my eyes filled with tears. I could feel the waves of melancholy rippling from your heart. Try to serve him as good as you can till his last breath – they will come in which your companion will be with you together again, if there is real love between a couple then there are not 2 souls but one soul, merged together.
Wishing you strength und courage
Didi
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March 8, 2017 at 10:14 AM
Yes, Didi, I have to work on this. Thank you so much for your heartfelt answer. And for the thought of 2 souls as one. Gratitude to you, Ellen
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March 9, 2017 at 4:16 PM
Dear Ellen
I hope you are fine. When a time of melancoly comes, go out to the nature enjoy the moments what nature is giving you – it said that we, by karma, come again and again with people together who have our love and also vise versa – so it is not by chance that we feel nearness of a person to whom we give our love, where love develops – we are put together again not only to balance our deeds (thoughts and words too, and even the vibrations of it), but also to help each other to go home eternal, to our real home, to our Father. A time will come again when this will happen. Once there was a holy person sitting under the shadow a tree and he wondered how many times he still has to come back to earth. Then another holy person came who could give him this answer: He said, so many times as there are leaves on the tree – and the one who put the question answered: Only so few lives? (there were thousands of leaves on the tree)…
But he was so humble that he saw it in a positive way… same when you have a glass of water which is filled half of it – is it half full or half empty? try to choose the positive way – it really will help you, my friend. Just have more confidence in you and confidence and trust in God – every night passes and a new dawn will break…
I wish you all the best from my heart
Didi
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March 17, 2017 at 10:15 AM
Dear Didi,
Thank you for sharing more of your beautiful thoughts about what I wrote. I am trying to deal with it. I am very dark in mood. It is the Bipolar thing but that’s no excuse. I lack faith. And lack so much more. Thank you for extending your efforts towards me, dear Didi.
I love the story about the two holy men and the number of lives left. Mooji had offered a quicker way but I don’t get it right. I cannot even feel presence at times. It is the medicationsame I take because I used to feel presence at will. Mental illness changes everything.
Love to you, dear Didi. Thank you so much from my heart. xxellen
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March 17, 2017 at 9:41 PM
Dear Ellen,
Thank you very much for your comment which I am going to answer tomorrow as it is still night time here. However, have my sincere compassion and understanding.
Wishing you all what is good for your soul, my dear friend.
From heart to heart
Didi
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March 17, 2017 at 9:58 PM
Dear Ellen
Yes, I believe I understand you. When the wave of our past (karma) hits us, we sometimes even can drown. If you strongly believe in God then the pain can be shared with Him as you are never alone. That we have to suffer or be in happiness is the result of a reaction of the past. Let’s say, when we know we have done something wrong (which is the same effect as if we throw a stone into the water and many ripples are then spreading around) – then it is easier for us to accept “the return, the echo” of it. But the problem is that we do not know what we have done, what has caused it, why we have to suffer from a certain illness – and it is good that there is a veil over our past (perhaps we could not even live with it when knowing what we have done to other people) – so we need to put our attention towards God, who knows our hearts – with confidence in Him – who is also our hope – without Him there is no hope, no remedy – so it is good to remove all doubts in us and take God as our Father in our heart wherever we go, wherever we are – that will surely help to relieve our pain, to soften our ups and downs.
Another story: There was again a holy person and he could see about 100 lives backwards but could not find the reason for his present blindness. A Saint stopped by and helped to go even deeper in his all his life-history. When he saw his 106th life from now backwards, he found the reason for his blindness, which was even not a very big thing he has committed…” Our Pralabdh-karma is taken from the Sanchit-karma (or huge storage karma) which forms our life and places the rails of our destiny, in-between there is our limited free will. When knowing cause and effect it helps to understand our own life and pain can be relieved in this consciousness.
In many yogas the teaching goes via the chakras, however a fully disciplined yogi may mediate for hundreds and hundreds of years and just reaches the astral or the causal plane. The teaching of Sant Kirpal Singh is a universal teaching. Now as the highest power, God power, Master power, Guru power or Christ power has a direct effect to our world with it milliards of souls, a living competent Master is not necessary as this Power works directly (without dependency). All living competent Masters are in dependency of the highest power, of God Himself. It means in one life, a disciplined soul can go back to home eternal, to take the “lift” from the physical world to the 8th plane. This is now possible in the Golden Age. Usually it takes 4 lives maximum (for all Initiates under this teaching, starting from the life in which those souls were initiated the first time by competent Masters) to return to God, to be one with Him. From here also the expression from Jesus Christ came: I and my Father are one…
So I wish you all good things for your soul, dear Ellen and that you may not suffer so much.
May God bless you
Didi
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March 18, 2017 at 8:56 AM
Dear Didi,
You have one beautiful heart. To take the time to write to me about karma and God and your guru… that is a beautiful soul and a big heart. I am very blessed with a wonderfull husband who has a big heart. My biggest blessing. I grew up in a tradition that had God the Father as a punitive God. I used to be very religious, very close to Jesus. But the meds for the Bipolar took that away. That is my karma. Anyhow your words mean so much to me. Right now is a tough patch. Physical illness makes it hard to fight the mental illness. And it is a fight. Please dear Didi, accept my thanks for your caring. I hope that you are okay and doing well yourself. May the stars shine in your heart. So much gratitude, ellen
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March 18, 2017 at 10:00 PM
Dear Ellen,
Thank you very much – and I pass forward your thank to my Master. Without Him I am nothing. So I am happy that you have a good partner at your side who can support you in your every-day-life situations. God is in you and the day will come again when you will see sunshing in your heart. He knows your heart and knows also when the time is ripe, when the inner sun is rising again… (maybe even not in this life) However, with patience to bear all your pain, without blaming God that you have to suffer now, even a return believing in God is possible and after this time your faith in Him will grow much stronger than before.
This medicine may put your mind in fragments, attacking you with doubts concerning your faith in God, in Jesus Christ – for this I wish you strength and courage, patience and that you may become a rock in the stormy sea of life.
All good wishes for your life. Be strong, my friend.
Hugs from my heart
Didi
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March 19, 2017 at 1:26 AM
Sorry for a very late and brief reply. I am sick. But I appreciate all of your warmth and empathy, wherever it comes from. Blessings, ellen
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April 2, 2017 at 11:28 PM
Dear Ellen,
No worry 🙂 I fully understand it. Now take some rest that you will be healthy soon again. All good wishes and thank you for your reply 🙂
Hugs
Didi
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April 2, 2017 at 11:36 PM
I was compelled to read this twice. I noticed the first comment said the same. It successfully invokes the feeling behind the words. So it is much more than just words. It also reminds me of previous discussions we have had.
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August 28, 2022 at 7:21 PM
Thank you so much, Ronnie, for your very kind words. And for making me look at this stuff. It must have been written upstate in our little barn. Magic was in that house. Any how thank you very much!🙏🏽
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August 28, 2022 at 8:24 PM
Somehow your email was erased by a computer problem I had and I haven’t heard from you though I did say you didn’t have to write. Now I am worried because I haven’t seen any posts from you either. I do hope and pray you are okay. Please just write a couple of words if you can. Please take care. 🙏ellen
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October 1, 2022 at 3:21 PM
I have emailed you, Ellen.
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October 2, 2022 at 6:33 AM
Reblogged this on MOONSIDE.
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September 3, 2022 at 10:49 PM