TRIUMPH OF SPIRIT IN LOVE, NATURE & ART

Christine Blasey Ford You are Still a Hero

Yes, I am Bipolar. But as well I was sexually abused as a child from age 3 to age 6 or 7, and, at that time as well, emotionally abused. The sexual abuse was incest with my “upstanding and outstanding” grandfather. I adored him.  I idolized him.  Everyone in my family did.  No one knew my secret.   Along with everyone else I worshipped him all my life.  I listened to Grandma say, after Grandpa died, how he had always been faithful to her.  I bit my tongue because he had been unfaithful to her with me.  Grandpa wanted me to tell his story.   Not THIS story.  A story about all the good things he did in his life.  He worked as a lawyer for a VA hospital and helped many veterans.  I have no doubt that he did.  He carved the Lincoln Gettysburg address at the Lincoln Memorial when he first came over from Sicily.  He was written about in a psychology textbook as an example of motivation.

Grandpa didn’t rape me but he did sexual things with me.  Things I knew were wrong.  Things that damaged me for life.  I tried to tell my grandmother but she didn’t understand what a child was talking about, asking her if she was jealous.  She laughed.  I realized to tell her would hurt her.  I never told anyone until later, when a woman in a gay bar told me she was abused.  Then I realized I had blocked it out of my memory for years.  All my life I lived as a doormat, letting everyone hurt me and walk all over me and I said nothing.  Just like with Grandpa.

With Dr. Christine Blasey Ford coming forward I am struggling, like many women abused in all sorts of ways, with an anger coming out that I never felt I had.  I loved Grandpa very much.  I thought that love could forgive what he did. That is until now.  Until I heard Christine Blasey Ford speak. Now I am furious. Fortunately I have a very understanding husband who worked as a therapist. with mentally ill medicaid clients.   He totally supports me.  I should be happy with that.  I am. But I am struggling with people who do not understand.   And the profound injustice of Ford’s case.

As things progress, anger is morphing into despair and the deepest disappointment with our country.  My doctor, a male psychiatrist,  was caring, went overtime with our recent session and said my anger was justifiable.  But he tried to make excuses for my grandfather.  This was, and is, devastating to me.  As are glib, dismissive statements, like “we have all been abused.”  I am sick at heart and in my gut.  I can’t eat.  I can’t sleep.  I would venture to say that these two weeks have been traumatic for all sexual crime survivors, and, as I learned from a younger friend, for survivors of emotional abuse as well.  It has taught me a lot.  It has taught me to treasure my husband even more.  I always did,  but now it is profoundly visceral and flows through every vein in my body.  My husband is the only one who “gets” the whole story.

I hope Christine Blasey Ford’s husband can help her.  I feel SO badly for her. She was a hero and look at what it got her.  A sham investigation.  A probable Kavanaugh confirmation.  A Trump parody of her answers, perhaps his most perverse remarks ever.  That same friend of mine, who suffered emotional abuse, tells me there is a silver lining to this.  That women will use their power and mobilize.  That young people will see the horror of mistreatment of an innocent victim of a sexual predator, a sexual predator like our president.  Not being the most optimistic of people, I only hope she is right.

And THANK YOU Christine Blasey Ford!   Take pride in your moving bravery.  You have helped countless women.  You are a hero for all of us.  My heart goes out to you.

16 responses

  1. I will not speak of histrionics. One in three women is the latest statistic of sexually abused. What were people thinking to do this to us? How can this possibly be okay? I respect your pain as I try to come to understanding of our shared horrors.

    Liked by 1 person

    September 30, 2018 at 9:28 PM

  2. Thank you, Cheyenne! Cannot write much more now but I appreciate your support!

    Like

    September 30, 2018 at 9:30 PM

  3. I’m so sorry you had to endure all that, then and now. I’m not surprised you are angry. And I wholeheartedly hope you find some support from your ‘in real life’ friends. I’m sending you so much love, dear Ellen and I wish I could hug you. x x x

    Liked by 1 person

    September 30, 2018 at 9:56 PM

    • Oh dear Ashley, you are a sweetie. Your comment is so healing. I do wish I could hug you. I know you have endured a lot but I don’t know what. I am all ears should you ever want to “talk”. I have given up on my real life friends but I am blessed with a loving husband. Thank you so very much!! xx Blessings, ellen

      Like

      September 30, 2018 at 10:19 PM

  4. Dear Ellen

    You must have been in a big conflict: on one hand you grandpa sexually abused you and on the other hand you loved him, I think this love was a kind of protection for yourself to put a veil on these bad happenings, it was maybe not a real love as inside you knew that it was not at all right what your grandpa did to you. I feel with you, it must have left lots of scars in you – now it is good that you are able to work through your past. I wish that you may get light in you again – that you may overcome this deep pain in you – you already show courage to do so, my friend.
    Love and light to you
    From heart to heart
    Didi

    Liked by 1 person

    September 30, 2018 at 11:06 PM

    • Dear Didi,

      Thank you so very much for writing. As you are a relatively new blogging friend I don’t know what to say except thank you. What you say makes good sense. I never thought of it that way before. I sure appreciate your reaching out and wishing me light. I need it now as the mood is very dark. Love and many blessings to you. Heart to heart as you say, ellen

      Liked by 1 person

      September 30, 2018 at 11:19 PM

      • Welcome, dear Ellen, – with the same courage you have started to open a chapter of your past life, to work through it, to bring to light what was hidden in you for years – it will also give you strength now to face all those bitter realizations. Believe in the strength and power in you and there is also God in you, He will help you too, my friend – as He always has an ear on your heart. When you go through these dark clouds – at the end there will be sunshine for you again 🙂
        Sending you love and light
        Didi

        Liked by 1 person

        September 30, 2018 at 11:26 PM

  5. There can be no blanket statements where abuse is concerned. No matter what form it takes it is personal and the effects damage so many layers of who we are and who we dare become. Hugs, Ellen xx

    Liked by 1 person

    October 1, 2018 at 2:16 AM

    • Thank you so much, Sue, for writing your support. It means a lot! I appreciate your wise (as always) words. It’s a ‘trip” as they say. Hugs to you and Ani, Ellen xx

      Like

      October 1, 2018 at 3:23 PM

  6. Ellen
    I’m beside you all the way, and i know the depth of pain. My mother was abused by her parish priest when she was 15 yrs old and kept it to herself for more than 60 years.
    You be strong and take the very best care

    ALWAYS

    john

    Liked by 1 person

    October 1, 2018 at 9:36 AM

  7. Thank you, dear John, for writing and telling me the story of your mother. What a disgrace the church has been on this score!!! It is outrageous and so poignant that your mother kept it “in” all those years. I guess it is never too late to tell one’s truth. As always, your support is much appreciated. Hug, ellen

    Like

    October 1, 2018 at 3:27 PM

  8. Didi, thank you so much for your healing wishes and blessed thoughts. Love and light to you as well! Ellen

    Like

    October 1, 2018 at 3:31 PM

  9. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    October 7, 2018 at 11:47 AM

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