Notes from a Very Noisy Mind
Presence. Stay in present. Stop projecting into future. Stop the negative daydreams. Worse than nightmares. “What if”, “what if”,”what if” ad infinitum. Put ice yogurt on grocery list. Add potatoes.Is Tom getting a cold? Flowering plant blooming. The “spirit” of mother. Her secret sign. Our doctor appointment soon. Afraid to go. Pandemic fear. Pandemic fear. Pandemic fear. Leak in wall. Will super come? He doesn’t respond. Annoyance. Will they have to bash the wall in to fix? Will they have Covid 19 and bring it into our home? What will happen?? What? What? What?
Untense your back. Feel sensation. Relax body. Deep breath. Fear of losing Tom. Stirrings of a migraine. Can not stand mind anymore. Eckhart Tolle said similar thing. Concentrate on senses. A flower. The sky. Can’t see much sky. Buildings. Screen. Windows. Apartment. Other lives. Other deaths. Look back at the flower. Flower responds to attention. Eckhart Tolle says flower does not know it is pretty. Responds to attention. Have heard this before. Plants feel sensation. Plants have responses to people. Russians researched this. Be like a plant. Feel sensations. Not fears. Thoughts are the enemy. Only for planning. Avoid thought.
Time to meditate. A few seconds of peace. Fight sleep. Fight thought. Just look, don’t fight thoughts. Just observe. Follow the breath. Almost over. Peace for a few seconds after noisy thoughts.
Will I ever be present? I once was. Long ago. Medication fought psychosis but blocked presence. Can I get there again?
MOONSIDE 