Presence. Stay in present. Stop projecting into future. Stop the negative daydreams. Worse than nightmares. “What if”, “what if”,”what if” ad infinitum. Put ice yogurt on grocery list. Add potatoes.
Is Tom getting a cold? Flowering plant blooming. The “spirit” of mother. Her secret sign. Our doctor appointment soon. Afraid to go. Pandemic fear. Pandemic fear. Pandemic fear. Leak in wall. Will super come? He doesn’t respond. Annoyance. Will they have to bash the wall in to fix? Will they have Covid 19 and bring it into our home? What will happen?? What? What? What?
Untense your back. Feel sensation. Relax body. Deep breath. Fear of losing Tom. Stirrings of a migraine. Can not stand mind anymore. Eckhart Tolle said similar thing. Concentrate on senses. A flower. The sky. Can’t see much sky. Buildings. Screen. Windows. Apartment. Other lives. Other deaths. Look back at the flower. Flower responds to attention. Eckhart Tolle says flower does not know it is pretty. Responds to attention. Have heard this before. Plants feel sensation. Plants have responses to people. Russians researched this. Be like a plant. Feel sensations. Not fears. Thoughts are the enemy. Only for planning. Avoid thought.
Time to meditate. A few seconds of peace. Fight sleep. Fight thought. Just look, don’t fight thoughts. Just observe. Follow the breath. Almost over. Peace for a few seconds after noisy thoughts.
Will I ever be present? I once was. Long ago. Medication fought psychosis but blocked presence. Can I get there again?
“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”
Bible verse from the King James version of the Bible, 1 Corinthians Chap 13 verse 12
And the guru who is my eyes right now is Kamlesh Patel, known as “Daaji,” and his disciple, Joshua Pollock in their book “The Heartfulness Way.” See below. I have read it twice and will reread it again. It is the No. 1 Bestseller in India right now and it is chock full of insights and directions to follow the path of “Heartfulness.” It is the path of love and the heart. The path of Raja Yoga. How could I resist? Daaji does not charge for his teaching. He has a network of trainers available on the Internet. The key to Raja Yoga is the transmission you receive from the guru, from the trainers. The path of Heartfulness is leading me to peace. And as I am in the midst of withdrawing from a major tranquilizer STILL (a long process that will continue for months), peace is MAJOR. I am not there yet but I see light at the end of the tunnel of Maya. “I see now through a glass darkly…”