TRIUMPH OF SPIRIT IN LOVE, NATURE & ART

Love in the Elderly

Eye-Locks, Namaste and God


Namaste!

Namaskar!

Namaskaram!

The Hindu greeting: “I bow to the God in you.”

I love this form of greeting– so much better than a handshake.

Christians believe God dwells within our souls. Perhaps other religions do as well. It seems Hindus do also if that is not too simplistic of me to express. Please excuse me if it is.

In some of the best of the old Bollywood classics love is portrayed without so much as a simple kiss. It is shown by gazing into the eyes of the beloved and saying “I see God in you.”

Eyes are the window to the soul. For people such as my husband and myself who are on the Autism Spectrum, eye contact is fearsome. It is threatening. And yet eye contact is precious beyond all fortune. Eye contact in love is wondrous and life-changing.

I have seen God in my husband’s eyes for a fleeting moment of eye contact on a walk in the countryside when we were being loving with one another… and on precious contact when I come in to talk to him while he is on the computer in New York City. I have seen God in my husband when he is telling a joke and I am laughing at him and he is so happy to make me laugh. He is child like, God like. It seems I hit the jackpot in marrying him. Looking deeply into another’s eyes, the “right” other, one finds God is Love, God is Joy. This is nothing new– just new to me.

One time I looked deeply into another’s eyes with a person I worked with long before I met my husband. It reached down deep inside both of us and it changed my life forever. It led me on a road to a complete breakdown and a long road back rebuilding my personality slowly in therapy until I was whole. And then I met my husband. And eye-contact with him is precious. It is special. Not frequent and in its rarity, powerful and sacred.

Eye-locks are powerful, potent conveyors of love, joy, sadness and finally, and most importantly, they can be a vehicle to God.

Welcome to samples of my writing showcasing “Eye-locks and Other Fearsome Things.”  “Eye-locks” is a Bipolar/Asperger’s memoir in narrative form that describes the triumph of love over mental illness.


Eyes to Eternity


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At age 35 I found someone who was more afraid of closeness than I was.  I understood him almost from day one.  This understanding came out of years of therapy that followed my breakdown at age 28.  Before the breakdown, I didn’t know that I was depressed.  Before the breakdown, I didn’t know that my failed relationships were due to my fear of closeness.  Before the breakdown, I didn’t know I was Bipolar.  I learned a lot of things in therapy that helped to change the direction of my life.

And then one day Thomas walked into the library where I had been working for 10 years.  He got a job as a library assistant.  He was a graduate student and wanted to work part-time.  I took the first steps towards asking him out because it was obvious he never would.  I had learned a thing or two after a stint at being gay.  We bumbled our way into a relationship and, after 4 years, into marriage.  We didn’t know that either one of us had Asperger’s Syndrome, a neurodevelopmental disorder on the Autism Spectrum, until much, much later.  We just thought we were very, very shy.

After some 33 years of marriage we are still shy with each other.  Our instincts are still to run away from closeness, but now we are able to override the first gut feeling.  We have grown together, becoming very, very close.  So close that now my biggest fear is of losing Thomas.  So close that sometimes we communicate without talking, as if we are on the same radio frequency.  In fact talking often confuses things.

We have pushed each other along life’s path.  Tom became a clinical social worker and I became a writer and artist.  The road has been bumpy in spots.  My being Bipolar has been hard for Tom at times.  Many times.  But there have been many more moments of joy that make it all worthwhile.  We both feel the other is the best thing that happened to us, and the journey continues.  New lessons are learned.   There are still new magical moments and new epiphanies.

It is 3A.M.   I lay beside Thomas in bed listening to his breathing as I watch a silent light show outside our bedroom windows.  This is not a 3A.M. awakening born of despair as some are.  At the moment I feel the Presence and that Presence fills me with love.

The moonlight beckons to me, and I respond by getting up and gazing at the twinkling stars and the hushed light of flickering fireflies. In the quiet stillness of a country night I am stirred by the music of the silence.  My ears hum, the sound of the nervous system according to my husband.

The cool air is intoxicating.  I go to the den to write and sit in a moonlit cathedral, watching the seemingly random flashing flames of fireflies flying in a frenzy of love.  The madness of desire.  Well do I know how love possesses one’s spirit and makes one fly through life, manic with emotion.

Yet sometimes, beneath the energy that stirs one’s blood, lies a silent union—a momentary glimpse of eternity in a loved-locked gaze into the eyes of one’s beloved.  It is fleeting, at least for me.  Gone in a flash, and yet it leaves me wondering just whom I am seeing.   The inner voice says that God has touched my soul through Thomas, for the best of human love is merely a sampling of the Divine.  Eye contact, so problematic for both my husband and me, is wondrous in this context.  For a second, eternity beckons like the moonlight, whispering of another life, another world, something beyond the here and now.

(Click http://www.independentauthornetwork.com/ellen-stockdale-wolfe.html  for information on, and to purchase my Bipolar/Asperger’s memoir.)


Septuagenarian Love


Waking to your touch
electric eels
massive
healing hands
without a glint
of sexuality
Waking to your smile
whispers sweetly
to my soul
like the first time
so long ago
on our first flight
together
when your arm
brushed against mine
and shook our worlds
out of their solitary
orbits and
sent us to the moon.

Your grey fluffy hair
sparkling silver threads
entices every time
I sniff your fragrance
and inhale the heavens
the warmth
of your cheeks
in our fleeting
embrace
I would it
would last forever
like our love

The smile lines etched
around your sky blues
alter the pulse
the course of my blood
and with each glance
reach for the stars
twinkling inside my head

The wrinkles in your cheeks
and your furrowed brow
pluck at the strings
inside my bosom
for I know the hard times
and worries that
engraved them on your face

On the doorway
to Orpheus
in pillowed embrace
your big hand
holds mine
and makes me
feel safe and loved
and little
as you drift off
leaving me wishing
for morning
to awaken once
more to you
fears tears
so long to wait
till morning

We are old
How did this happen?
and we are in love
more than ever
youthful passion gone
replaced by years of fidelity
affection, quarrels, laughing,
teasing, crying
always sharing, caring
yet attraction still stirs
and the years of together
have sewn our souls to one

Loss is inevitable
and unacceptable
In equal measure
The God I used to find
in nature
I now find in you
And the ecstasis
of gazing at the sky
now rests with the mystery
of you!!

Happy Birthday to the love of my lifetimes!! May your 70’s be healthy and happy and filled with ever blossoming love💖🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💖


It’s 4 AM and I Miss You


(Please don’t eat my children)

It’s 4:27… 4:28… 4:29 AM

and I miss you

I hope to God you’ll awaken

and bring me coffee

and tell me something funny and I will laugh

and you will be so pleased to see

someone “get” one of your thousands of spontaneous jokes.

I miss you…

you with the beautifully streaked-with-grey, fuzzy hair

and hundreds of lines, going up, down and sideways

around the corners of your shy blue eyes.

You don’t know I am awake

missing you… your suddenly taking my hand

in yours and holding it on the sofa as

we silently watch our country self-destruct.

I hope to God you’ll awaken and all will be okay

for another day

for it is not promised

for it is not guaranteed

Nothing is.

The wonder that is you

that I found so many years ago

after being alone for so long and through so much.

Unadulterated joy you bring me

as I worry about your every breath

God keep you in his arms

and protect you

for it is 4:38 AM and I am missing you

as you lie in the arms of Morpheus

and I see lights on across the street

Others are awake

as you slumber

Time drags on as I am alone

I cannot wait for you to awaken

to see the twinkle in your eye

and the tousled hair.

I miss you

as I sit here typing and

reading of other’s lives.

It is 4:45 AM

about two more hours

for you lie

in our bed of 33 years.

It is 4:46 AM

and time goes so slowly

as I count the hours

until you awaken.

You with your gentle voice

the pleasant voice

that helped so many

as you listened to their anguish

A healer I always said you were/are.

Almost 5 AM

and I miss you.

If I miss you this much now,

oh, and here come the tears,

what of the day or night

God takes one of us away.

Or could we be so lucky

to go in each other’s arms?

My morbid mind

destroying the present with

fearing the future

It is 4:54 AM

and you have arisen

to make water.

You will stop by to see me

and ask why I am up

and ask me when I will come back to bed.

You are gone again

having returned to

the embrace of sleep

For a second the thrill of you

all tousled and concerned

shot through me.

I will come join you

and look at the lights across the way

and wait if I can’t sleep

for you to awaken

and greet me with another day

as our shared time together

zips by with a vengeance now

my time with you.

5:03… eternity

the pain in my throat and head

throbbing

I should lie down

but it has been so long

since words have come

5:05 AM…5:10 AM

I feel chill

I feel pain

missing you.

5:11 AM

Let me go

lie next to you

and think of the wonder

of your presence

in our marital bed.

5:25 AM…


Divine Romance


Our third decade together. And the love grows deeper against a background of eventual, inevitable loss. A loss more unimaginable than one’s own demise.

I look deeply into your eyes, my eyes linger, falling into your blue orbs, while you, in turn, delight in my gaze, going far beyond the polite looks people use in everyday conversations. We pause too long. I fall into the abyss of your sky blues and feel reverence. Reverence for your happy spirit, infectious mood.

It is not the Eros of our first decade that waned in the second and all but disappeared in the third. Attraction, yes, but of a different nature. Attraction of the heart, the soul, the spirit. We bring each other to pure joy, bliss, a sharing of spirit. We give each other a taste of oneness with all.