Trying to Write Again

No words.  No photos.  Fractured mind/body of Akathisia.

Faulty connection to God.  Weak link to Mooji.

It’s been awhile.

Forgive me if I have neglected your posts.  Cannot process lots of meaning.  Losing cognitive functioning.

Medication change.  In the last months of withdrawal. Finally totally off the blasted Zyprexa.   A  psych med.  Heavy duty antipsychotic on for 15 + years.  Sick from withdrawal and from increased dose of another antipsychotic been on 40 years.   Almost daily panic attacks and lots and lots of migraines.  Nausea.  Anxiety ad infinitum.

When will strength/creativity/spirituality return?

Better question…WILL it return?

There are far, far worse things.  Two blogging friends I hold in my heart, very sick, with serious stuff.

Better psych meds needed.  No, no, no!  Needing psych meds NOT a sign of weakness.  Unmedicated Bipolar 1 can be fatal.

Yes, fatal.
Poetry a memory.  Beauty ignored.  Even my refuge, Nature, cannot inspire.
Will figure this out with Doc.  Hope to figure it out with Doc.
Hope is hard to find.
Love still there.
The most important thing.

Send to all.

40 responses

  1. Running Elk

    Ellen. This is a brutally, heartbreaking, honest read. It is beautiful. Thank you for sharing with such trust.

    Sorry to hear that it has been such a hard road. With the support of your doctor, I’m sure you can get back to an even keel, and, with it, that wonderful creativity, and deep felt connection will certainly return.

    Hang on in there, dear one. Take your time. We wait patiently. {{{BIG HUGS}}} xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    May 12, 2015 at 5:01 PM

    • Dearest Running Elk,
      You always show such compassion and respect and love. You have a big heart and I think you have given so much. Now you are sick and I try to reflect back to you your compassion, respect and love and pray you will be okay. And a {{{{BIG HUG}}}} right back at you!! Bless you, bless you, bless you!

      Liked by 2 people

      May 12, 2015 at 9:59 PM

      • Running Elk

        Och, I’ll be fine Ellen. You focus on you! xxx

        Liked by 1 person

        May 13, 2015 at 4:48 PM

  2. Oh, God, poor you, Ellen. Hope you feel better soon my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    May 12, 2015 at 5:27 PM

    • Thank you so much for writing and for your good wishes, Richard! Means a lot! Kind regards, Ellen


      May 12, 2015 at 10:02 PM

  3. Ellen
    My heart goes out to you dear lady. I am saddened by your news and send love to you. I am not doing so well myself but my issues pale compare to those who truly suffer. Love to you from all of us at “I dont want to talk about it.”

    Liked by 2 people

    May 12, 2015 at 5:32 PM

    • Dear Jim,
      Thank you so very much. My problems too pale in comparison to others. We all suffer and I have read of your trials and tribulations. But these things make us turn towards God and perhaps that is why we suffer. He wants us to reach out to Him. Very touched by the live sent by all of you! My love to you all. Thank you so much for writing and lending support. Love, Ellen

      Liked by 1 person

      May 12, 2015 at 10:08 PM

  4. Hoping and praying that you and your doctor come up with the ideal medication combination.

    Liked by 1 person

    May 12, 2015 at 6:32 PM

    • Thank you, Kitt. I have tried almost all of them. But I am investigating homeopathic medicine from the company I buy St. John’s wort from and the Lithium Orotate. Can’t take any mood stabilizers and therefore no antidepressants. I’ll figure out something. How is your son doing on the Amytriptoline (sp.?) as a preventative or is it too soon to tell? I think it was Amytriptoline you said he was trying or some other tricyclic antidepressant. Or Tofranil?

      Liked by 1 person

      May 13, 2015 at 9:55 PM

      • Increasing his dosage of Amitriptyline (Elavil). Rizatriptan Benzoate (Maxalt) and naproxen when he gets a migraine. CBT to help him cope with stress (but he’s not big on talk therapy). Tried acupuncture, but he’s not into it. Honestly, I mostly hope that his testosterone level will increase soon and give him relief. My husband outgrew them.


        May 14, 2015 at 8:33 PM

      • I certainly hope he’ll outgrow them, too. I hate to hear of one so young suffering so much. Acupuncture didn’t help me. Hope all the rest of the therapies help. Will keep you all in my prayers and on the Reiki list.

        Liked by 1 person

        May 14, 2015 at 9:47 PM

      • Thank you, Ellen. He didn’t have the patience for acupuncture.


        May 14, 2015 at 10:49 PM

  5. Yes, Love is still there, Ellen. Keeping watch as you move through this difficult vigil. I know these words are not always helpful. They enter the mind like stale husks, devoid of sweetness. There’s no warmth inside to catch them, and help them grow. When I am struggling, sometimes I like to imagine the whole of my life– the highs and the lows, the moments of sweetness and the moments of trembling darkness. All of it. And then imagine all of that is just a little dot in a whole wide field of being, and we’re the whole field of being, so much vaster than this little dot. All our struggles have this zoomed in feel to them. An immediacy we can’t quite shake. They’re in our face. But when grace comes, and we can see the big picture, they soften. I hope you have a breath as you read this that softens. Then later, another. And that you string them together, here and there in time, like bread crumbs leading you back to holiness…

    Peace and Love,

    Liked by 2 people

    May 12, 2015 at 6:35 PM

    • That’s beautiful, Michael. And true. Even in the midst of it I can see your perspective you illustrate so well. Thank you for taking the time and effort to spell it out. Love is still there. Amazing that it has survived in this desert. I will try to keep your words in mind and use them as a portal back. Love, Ellen

      Liked by 1 person

      May 13, 2015 at 10:01 PM

  6. Ellen, I hope you feel better, love you, come back…

    Liked by 1 person

    May 12, 2015 at 6:38 PM

    • Dear Maria,
      Thank you so very much for such loving words. Sending love right back to you. With much appreciation of you and your wishes, Ellen


      May 13, 2015 at 10:04 PM

  7. Oh, Ellen. I’m so sorry you feel so bad. Tears to my eyes for you. Hang in there. I’m sure the good things will return. You have such a big heart and are a blessing to so many of us with your compassion and understanding. Please do try to show yourself some of that compassion, this is a horrible thing that you’re going through and there is no need for you to minimize it by comparisions with the travails of others. I send you my love and great respect. x o x

    Liked by 2 people

    May 13, 2015 at 1:06 AM

    • Ashley, I love you. You cannot know what your words mean to me! So much! And I look to you for inspiration because I remember when you disappeared for a long time after your father died and you came back stronger than ever. Thank you so much, xxellen


      May 13, 2015 at 10:10 PM

      • Dear Ellen! Tears to my eyes, again! I wish I could give you a big hug! x x

        Liked by 1 person

        May 13, 2015 at 10:21 PM

      • You have given me one, Ashley, you have and I send you one back!! *♡*


        May 13, 2015 at 10:27 PM

  8. With your determination I am sure your doctor and you will find the right way. Hope you’ll feel better soon. Hugs. Stefy.

    Liked by 1 person

    May 13, 2015 at 1:06 AM

    • Thank you, Stefy, for the encouragement! Hope you’re right. Warm regards, Ellen


      May 13, 2015 at 10:12 PM

  9. Dear Ellen, this sounds more like a raging storm, unrelenting wind rattles the doors and windows of my cottage on the hillside. Cannot go outside, cannot feel at peace with all the noise. maybe I should get angry, storm-like, it would fit the circumstances…

    Liked by 2 people

    May 13, 2015 at 6:58 AM

    • Anger was the first thing to come. I hope that has subsided for good. Even Mooji says it is okay to get angry but not to let it fester. Express and dismiss. Thanks for writing, my friend. I know you yourself are having a very hard time. Warmest wishes for all of it, Ellen


      May 13, 2015 at 10:16 PM

      • I sometimes think it’s possible to write as if in a storm, then some careful editing when things are more calm. Hope you find some stability soon…


        May 14, 2015 at 10:34 AM

  10. holding you in my heart…

    Liked by 1 person

    May 13, 2015 at 7:41 AM

    • And what a beautiful place to be. I think of you for you have a place in mine even if I am not keeping up with your prolific poetry. Love, Ellen

      Liked by 1 person

      May 13, 2015 at 10:19 PM

  11. What can one say Ellen? Between yourself and Michael, you have the answers, which are love and appropriate medication. I know you have no energy for thought, but felt this may be worth dropping in here nonetheless:

    Hariod ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    May 13, 2015 at 8:49 AM

    • Thanks so much, dear Hariod, for your words and the video which I did watch and will watch again. I have heard Spira before and have lots of respect for his enlightenment. ❤ ellen

      Liked by 1 person

      May 13, 2015 at 10:21 PM

  12. Oh my dear Ellen- I’m sorry for all the emotional hell you’ve been through.
    This is never an easy road to travel and for some even worse.
    When you love and care for others , one in love walks with them through good bad snd in the sunshine as well.
    I’m hopeful for you my dear dear friend. Mbogua wiorries about what you weren’t able to do. We’ve all been there. You are making a step forward , dance in the light of those moments..
    Love you yisraela💝

    Liked by 1 person

    May 14, 2015 at 4:07 AM

  13. Thank you, Yisraela, so so much. Hope you are okay. I’ll get there somehow. Love you, too, Ellen


    May 18, 2015 at 3:13 PM

  14. Hi Ellen, I feel bad reading this, and I can only hope things will get better. You are a dear friend. I care. I pray. Be well soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    May 20, 2015 at 4:24 PM

  15. Dear Bert, That means so much to me. Thank you so much. I am going on retreat starting tomorrow at 4AM for a week. It is online but it will mean silence as much as I can stick to that and keep a household going. Maybe that will help. You are a dear friend, too. Thanks so much. Ellen


    May 20, 2015 at 8:12 PM

  16. Sending love dear Ellen …you are so very beautiful …hugs and love , megxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    May 28, 2015 at 4:40 PM

    • Well, we are connected psychically. I was just reading your poem and writing a comment. Again I send my love to you! [?][?] ellen

      On Thu, May 28, 2015 at 4:40 PM, MOONSIDE wrote:


      Liked by 1 person

      May 28, 2015 at 4:44 PM

    • Thanks a mil, Meg! You, your language, your images, all stunning! {{{xx}}}

      Liked by 1 person

      May 28, 2015 at 4:47 PM

      • You are seeing a reflection of yourself beautiful one !

        Liked by 1 person

        May 28, 2015 at 5:14 PM

  17. thank you for sharing. I have guilty tears in my eyes because I have been feeling so alone but finally it feels like I am not completely isolated…that i dont have to fit in…so many days questioning whether or not ill ever be a normal functioning person. thanks for sharing and not making me feel like im the only one living and not living at the same time. i wish you well. my depression and anxiety is what contributes to my creativity and i started blogging and sharing positive messages with hopes that i will believe in them myself one day. again thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 21, 2017 at 5:27 AM

    • Oh, I am so happy you shared a little bit of your story with the world of blogging. It can be very therapeutic to find you are indeed not alone. Some people are better off, some much worse. I live with anxiety every day, sometimes suffocating anxiety and often it friend depression. Please have hope. Things CAN actually get better. I hope you find some peace and healing. Big hug, Ellen

      Liked by 1 person

      January 21, 2017 at 8:05 PM

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s