Presence. Stay in present. Stop projecting into future. Stop the negative daydreams. Worse than nightmares. “What if”, “what if”,”what if” ad infinitum. Put ice yogurt on grocery list. Add potatoes.
Is Tom getting a cold? Flowering plant blooming. The “spirit” of mother. Her secret sign. Our doctor appointment soon. Afraid to go. Pandemic fear. Pandemic fear. Pandemic fear. Leak in wall. Will super come? He doesn’t respond. Annoyance. Will they have to bash the wall in to fix? Will they have Covid 19 and bring it into our home? What will happen?? What? What? What?
Untense your back. Feel sensation. Relax body. Deep breath. Fear of losing Tom. Stirrings of a migraine. Can not stand mind anymore. Eckhart Tolle said similar thing. Concentrate on senses. A flower. The sky. Can’t see much sky. Buildings. Screen. Windows. Apartment. Other lives. Other deaths. Look back at the flower. Flower responds to attention. Eckhart Tolle says flower does not know it is pretty. Responds to attention. Have heard this before. Plants feel sensation. Plants have responses to people. Russians researched this. Be like a plant. Feel sensations. Not fears. Thoughts are the enemy. Only for planning. Avoid thought.
Time to meditate. A few seconds of peace. Fight sleep. Fight thought. Just look, don’t fight thoughts. Just observe. Follow the breath. Almost over. Peace for a few seconds after noisy thoughts.
Will I ever be present? I once was. Long ago. Medication fought psychosis but blocked presence. Can I get there again?
POSTCARD #211: Delhi/Bangkok flight: I arrived at the place and couldn’t remember how exactly I came to be there except for the journey returning to me in flashes; scanned by X-ray machines, identified, processed, held in aircraft cabin pressure for 4 hours… then look out the window and see small green rice fields with water everywhere; 1800 miles southeast on the Asia map as the crow flies.
Placed on the ground and I have to get my things quickly, put together the parts of who I think I am in this new context of a day I missed the beginning of, and things out there are just happening anyway. Extraordinary, even so – catching up on the rebound, the momentum of the journey, the sense of something recharged, action endowed with purpose because I’ve arrived in what remains of a day that belongs to other people, those who have…
At one point in my life I was just trying to get through one hour at a time. Actually I have vivid memories of it sometimes being 15 minutes at time in which I would be praying to God in utter desperation. Such times could come again but I would hope to be stronger if, or more likely, when they return.
Fleet-footed moments of heart-stopping anxiety visit far too often even now, maybe just to keep me in practice. Uncontrolled thoughts of a scary future fraught with frets and worries frequent my mind, “pissing on the present,” as they say. These visitations may be the by-product of Bipolar Disorder and/or my Asperger’s Syndrome. In any case, my current goal is to learn “mindfulness” through meditation to correct this distortion of time and consciousness.
Long the slogan of A.A. and other methods of recovery, “one day at a time” can also be a celebration of, and desire for, peace– world peace, as well as inner peace. Yusuf/Cat Stevens expresses this poetically, as always, in his song, “One Day at a Time,” in this video link:
<br>Wer ist der wahre eigentümer/schöpfer des herzens ? Gott gibt nur das Herz, du füllst es. Achtung. Was füllst du? Denn dann musst du es leeren. beschmutze nicht dein herz. Allah weiß auch, was in den Tiefen der Herzen ist. Alles was schön ist… Seele, Herz, Liebe, Glaube… Wer Kämpft, kann Verlieren. Wer nicht Kämpft, hat schon Verloren. Lebe jeden Tag deines Lebens, als wäre es dein letzter. Also wirst du eines Tages Recht haben"