Alternative Realities
Recently, having had some trouble with mania, I wrote a post saying I had to take some time off from blogging. People on WordPress were so understanding and supportive! You guys were great! Things were heading in a wrong direction but nowhere near where I was long ago…
II am reposting and editing an old post found by a fellow Wordress blogger, Ronny, on “Ronnie’s Blog.” It is very humbling to look back but also interesting in terms of the nature of reality.
Not long ago, I was being prepped for a surgery and the surgeon asked me about the medications I take. When asked why I took Thiothixene, an anti-psychotic, I told him that I was Bipolar. He said, “I think we are all Bipolar.” Maybe it was an effort to relate to me but it hit me in a “sore spot.” Everyone has moods, it is true, but being Bipolar is not just being “moody.” If we who are Bipolar have to endure the stigma of mental illness, at least allow that it is different from being “normal,” and not just some self-indulgent form of self-pity. What is Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar Disorder is a major, Axis 1, mental illness characterized by extreme highs and lows. It is a risky mental illness diagnoses because people can die from it. They suicide during a low. In Bipolar 1, the sufferer can become manic and, while manic, and even while depressed, can become psychotic. Normal people do not become psychotic except perhaps, in their dreams. Being psychotic means a major break with reality. It means entering another world that most don’t even know exists. So, no, to that surgeon, we are NOT all Bipolar.
And, yes, people have fractured views of reality. But some views are more fractured than others. There is another “reality” in psychosis. What interests me is that different people who are psychotic have similar experiences, making me question the reality that we call consensual but also the one called psychotic. When I had my one and only breakdown in my 20’s, before I was properly medicated, I entered some other reality.
In that other reality, the TV and radio gave you messages directly relevant to your life– so relevant that one began to think there was some mind-monitoring device in your TV or radio. And the AC had a microphone that allowed you to talk to the world outside one’s window, to the people in the street, and you could play as they responded to your silly commands. When one had the nerve to venture outside of one’s apartment, a cacaphony of voices of people in the street told you positive or negative things. People (I thought of them as teachers and/or psychics) did not come up to you and speak directly to you for they knew you could not handle that. Rather they spoke loudly to one another about your behavior so you couldn’t help but overhear. If they were pleased with your behavior at the time, the comments were your reward for “getting well.” And it was glorious. If they are displeased, criticism came from everywhere. Then there is nowhere to hide the shame you felt because negative feedback was coming at you from every direction. Then life became a hell that did not disappear when you got back home, because you could still hear voices next door or in the street. That was just one down side of this other “reality.” Everything had self-referential meaning. I never heard actual voices– it was either hearing voices that are the normal internal monologue gone haywire so you thought it is someone else, or you were one step away from that because the voices you heard were actually real, saying real things, but not to you although you could find special personal meaning in them. There was no safe place. No escape. No privacy. I was working in a library at Columbia University and living alone in an apartment in New York City at the time. How much worse would it be living in a shelter, hospital, prison or, worse, on the street where one is overwhelmed with every kind of stimuli possible!
Synchronicity was everywhere. SometImes the lessons were religious in nature. This was perhaps a lower form of altered consciousness. Life alternated between heaven and hell. One wonders if there was some divine intervention in these states because of the ubiquitousness of synchronicity. Was this a fractured peek at what Hindus call Maya?
My life is very different now. I have a husband I adore. I often lament to him now that I cannot see the world as a dream or Maya as spiritual writers describe and I feel so utterly unspiritual. And yet, now many, many years ago, I lived in another reality.
“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12. Not what St. Paul meant but it works.
Only now can I see a little hint that “reality” IS some sort of a consensual dream that appears on our retinas and ear drums and that our mind interprets in a similar fashion… or so we think.
For sure there are different realities. But I am striving towards a higher form of consciousness and have little time left in which to do it. In looking back over the post that Ronnie “liked,” I am VERY grateful to have survived thus far out of the hell I was once in. I got help and medication. And God sent me a wonderful husband who eventually became a psychiatric social worker. I thank God for bringing him into my life. And for giving me access to the common reality in which most people dwell… but also glimpses into other realities and levels of life… and perhaps a schematic feeling for Maya.
This entry was posted on September 8, 2023. It was filed under Abstract Photography, Bipolar Disorder, Depression and Mania and was tagged with Bipolar 1, Bipolar Disorder, Fragmented reality, Hearing voices, Maya, Mental illness, Mental illness advocacy, Psychosis, Reality, Stigma, Stigma of mental illness, Synchronicity. Edit.
MOONSIDE 
Wow i have heard of people saying the voices told them to do it, how do you separate reality from the alternate?
LikeLike
January 30, 2014 at 12:15 PM
You don’t– until after the fact or until you have a period of lucidity. Someone like a psychiatrist can point it out to you the difference but A) you have to tell him about the voices (I didn’t) and B) you have to believe it when he tells you the voices are unreal– two major, major qualifying conditions. Thank you for the ‘Like” and your interest!
LikeLike
January 30, 2014 at 12:24 PM
🙂
LikeLike
January 30, 2014 at 5:16 PM
Oops. Sorry, dear one for being one of the “Like” Ellen’s poetic meandering…
Hope you are feeling better today. {{{Big bear hug}}}
The wife has the same problem with the “I get depressed too, sometimes” crowd. No, you get a little down in the dumps – it’s a little different from clinical depression… yet they don’t seem to get it all!
Loved the recognition of the “other reality” moment! lol Sometimes I think that the consensual reality is so utterly bland in comparison with the full gamut of what is actually out there, and am constantly confused at just why, as a race, we have opted to codify THIS, and not some much more exciting, or empowering, or harmonious, or loving, or caring, or, well, just some other option as the consensus… Maybe one day. Maybe one day… after all, it took a while for the world to become un-flattened and turned into a globe… 😀
Take care, dearest Ellen. We need you in our reality… selfish, I know, but that’s how we are… 😉 xx
LikeLike
January 30, 2014 at 5:43 PM
Oh, dearest Running Elk, It was no complaint against you at all!!! Honest!!! Thanks for your good, caring wishes and the Big Bear hug! I understand your wife’s problem to some degree. Depression has even a worse rep than Bipolar. People just think you should “try harder” or other equally offensive things. And you of all people really understand about alternative realities. Yours is a uniquely rich mind and I admire you for your experiences. Thank you, again, and I appreciate your words more than you can know. Hugs back, xx ellen
LikeLike
January 30, 2014 at 6:06 PM
You are so brave and wonderful for sharing this. I am so sorry you must ensure these things. Know that I love and admire you for your strength and fortitude to rise above your struggles and help others through your writing. Much love, Stina
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 30, 2014 at 6:12 PM
Dearest Stina, Thank you for your precious words. It was a hard post to write. I know many will shun me or not bother to read it once they see the word psychosis. But in my mind, you are the one with strength and fortitude. You must fight to go through each day with all you suffer. Much love to you, dear Stina, and prayers for an alleviation of the suffering– mental and physical! xx ellen
LikeLike
January 30, 2014 at 8:29 PM
My dear Ellen – I have read many things over many years, but the sheer depth of honesty and heart moved me so much. Working as a mental health therapist over years, I loved each and every one of my patients. Cause underneath what had been bulldozed over was such beautiful hearts minds and spirits. I applaud your honesty and exposure.
Yisraela
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 30, 2014 at 6:14 PM
Thank you, dear Yisraela. I so appreciate your comment. This was hard to do and I know you understand that. I am sure all your patients loved you because you gave them love. And no matter how out of reality one is, love can get through. xx Ellen
LikeLike
January 30, 2014 at 8:23 PM
“reality” IS a consensual dream or “Maya.” There’s a familiarity about this kind of experience; “a lower from of altered consciousness. Life alternates between heaven and hell…” I think I must have been just passing through, seen enough of it to get interested, to know it’s subjective, rather than objective. I’ve read in a few different places that the higher form of altered consciousness occurs when the experiencer has merged completely with the experience: Advaita Vedanta. Is it the same thing seen partially? I hope this is helpful to you and I wish you well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 31, 2014 at 7:25 PM
Thank you for your explanation and elucidation. I am not sure I understand what experience the experiencer has merged with to achieve Advaita Vedanta. A little out of my league here. And not sure about the thing see partially. It sounds very interesting and I thank you for your good wishes as well.
LikeLike
January 31, 2014 at 9:25 PM
Dearest Tiramit,
You wrote this a long time ago and it has so much more meaning for me now. I so appreciate you reinterpreting what I wrote to your specialty! Hope you are better!!
Best, El
LikeLike
September 7, 2023 at 11:05 PM
Thank you for describing your ordeal with Bipolar Disorder and how you interpret your world. Your detailed description of what you experience will help your followers understand what you and others suffering from the disorder are going through and be more supportive.
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 7, 2023 at 2:01 PM
Nancy, thank you for your kindly comment!! It means so much to me and others like me that there are people like you. But I don’t need any special treatment. Everybody has problems. We all need to understand each other.
Thanks, again, 🙏🏽Ellen
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 7, 2023 at 8:20 PM
Hello Ellen. My daughter has a friend with this diagnosis. I really wanted to understand what she feels, what features of her worldview, how she can coexist with it, what is the difference from the usual worldview. Otherwise it is difficult to understand and interact with each other.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. This gives hope for the possibility of understanding, empathy, assistance in recovery, communication and ensuring tolerance in society.
Perhaps this is one of the ways to other realities, to other levels, other layers. Let it be possible to live in other realities, to know the Universe, to receive sacred knowledge without losing touch with our common reality, in our society and according to our laws. I admire you and your husband, a wonderful relationship of love and mutual support.
Let there be enough time for your cherished aspirations!
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 7, 2023 at 2:48 PM
Thank you, Ubit! Many thanks for the understanding and good wishes.
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 7, 2023 at 9:01 PM
🌞🤝💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 8, 2023 at 1:02 AM
🙏🏽❣️
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 8, 2023 at 9:05 AM
💯💓
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 7, 2023 at 11:27 PM
🙏🏽🙏🏽😊❣️Thank you for stopping by and liking some posts. Are you a blogger too?
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 7, 2023 at 11:33 PM
I was once, before retirement, a teacher for the mentally handicapped. Some were bipolar and (with help) they healed very remarkably. I’m so glad that you are doing much better, Ellen. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 8, 2023 at 12:53 AM
Thank you so much, Tom!! How interesting that you were a special Ed teacher! What did you teach? For a short time I worked with young autistic children but wasn’t able to get a career out of it because I couldn’t handle the interviews. Very kind of you to write!! Have a great weekend!
LikeLike
September 8, 2023 at 9:11 AM
So good of you to say these things! … just trying to make it through.
LikeLike
September 8, 2023 at 11:06 AM
Message got sent before I was finished. It is I who admire all your photography and traveling. That is truly wonderful.
LikeLike
September 8, 2023 at 11:10 AM
These posts are so brave, informative and honest. I think they are so much more insightful than what I have read in books and the internet on this issue.
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 8, 2023 at 1:17 PM
Thank you so very much, Julie!! I try to give the world a picture of what it’s like. So your words mean alot. I love your blog. Having studied art history and done some painting, I really appreciate your work. The loose technique is so unusual to see and it stands out.
LikeLike
September 8, 2023 at 2:34 PM
Thank You Ellen. You are very encouraging. I am not on WordPress as much as some others but I always feel so welcome when I read your blog. I’m glad I found it last winter.
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 9, 2023 at 9:14 AM
Thank you! Glad to find your blog❣️
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 9, 2023 at 9:31 AM
I’ve been hearing that comment a lot later: “We’re all a little bipolar.” Few things upset me, but that phrase does. Like you said, bipolar is a tough road every day and nothing like the ups and downs of other people. You’re doing a lot to raise awareness and decrease stigma by sharing your story. Keep up the good work!
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 9, 2023 at 3:27 PM
Thank you telling you have been hearing about everyone being a little Bipolar. People who say that have no idea. And thanks for the encouragement. I lost some followers because of that post. Worth it. We have to fight. Thanks for what YOU are doing!
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 9, 2023 at 9:51 PM
Thank you so much, Linda. Applies to migraines, too, not “just a headache.” I may post this again. Glad you liked it.xx ellen
LikeLiked by 2 people
September 25, 2024 at 9:23 AM
Yeah, it was really interesting – interesting too to compare it to your more recent writing – you’re still you for sure! L xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 25, 2024 at 5:16 PM
Thank you, Linda. Glad you like that passage, too. I think of you as a powerhouse… meant only in the best way.
LikeLiked by 1 person
September 25, 2024 at 8:44 PM