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Omens and Miracles


It was a beautiful autumn day. The air was the lovely cool that October brings and the birds and the squirrels were in a feeding frenzy. I barely noticed though because all morning was spent cleaning resistant rust stains with some horrid acid cleaner with all kinds of warnings on it. And I had a low fever and was feeling kind of lousy. A phone call set the afternoon on a downward spiral. It had been an angry phone call. I had called my husband at lunch time and he was showing all the signs of extreme job stress. He is a psychiatric social worker and at times it seems all of his clients act out at once and intakes happen and hospitalizations happen and whatever can go wrong, does. It was one of those kind of days. He proceeded to yell at me, for what seemed like fifteen minutes but was probably only five, about all that went wrong that day. Then suddenly the phone went dead. I called back immediately and got a fast busy signal. I tried again with the same result. And again. I tried the cell but, as usual, his cell was turned off. So there was no getting through. And he had a long commute home and considering his mood and all, I was totally alarmed. I tried him on and off all afternoon and finally left a message on his cell asking him to call me. He didn’t. Until well after the time he should have left work.

“Are you still speaking to me?” he asked right away. “Yes, of course, why do you ask?” “Because I was yelling at you at lunch time.” “I know and I was wondering why but I didn’t hang up. The phone went dead.” “Okay, I am on my way home. It will take some time because I was delayed and traffic is worse at this time.” “Okay,” I said. I didn’t say my usual “Be careful!” or other worried dictums. I was just happy he had called. When I hung up the phone I thanked God he had called and he seemed to have calmed down some since lunchtime. Things were looking better than they had at midday.

And then there was the unmistakable thud on the window. I hoped in vain it was a falling walnut since they bounce off the roof and such at this time of year. But two feathers on the window pane left telltale marks. I was felt ill. We had just put up a wooden bird house with suction cups in the window above to prevent bird collisions (according to the advertisement). I looked out the window on the deck for a body. None. I went outside. No bird. Such a loud thud though was unmistakable. When I turned the corner of the deck on to the lawn, sure enough, I saw the bird. He saw me and seemed too stunned to be afraid so I did a quick form of Japanese energy healing technique known as Reiki on him. Deciding my gigantic presence was probably stressing him out further I went inside. I could see him from the window. I did the symbols for distant healing and sent him the animal healing symbol. He sat there with his head resting on the ground. At least he did not have his beak open in a screech like a wounded blue jay a few months ago but things did not look good.

Now half of me comes from a Sicilian background and it is a strong strain in my psyche. My maternal grandfather was a peasant working in the stone quarries of Sicily when, at 16, he fulfilled his dream of coming to the United States. Here he wound up becoming a lawyer but only after first doing stone work to finance his night schooling. Among his carving work was the Lincoln Gettysburg address at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. He was an exceptional man and I was very close to him as a little girl. His peasant background never left him. This was both good and bad. The bad, he and his wife and my mother were very superstitious. They believed in omens and signs. And this was instilled in me. Now to have this bird fly into the window just after talking to my husband about his long commute home was all too much. I argued in my mind against omens and superstitions but in my gut I was sick.

I kept checking on the bird, wondering if he was dead yet and if I should go bury him so he wouldn’t get eaten. I did more Reiki. I cried. It was not only that this poor little bird was hurt and probably going to die but what he represented. The birds had been in a feeding frenzy these past few days. I had just refilled the bird feeder yesterday and it was half empty not even 24 hours later. And it was bird central. Birds flying like kamikaze planes all over the front yard. When I went to fill the bird feeder a bird stayed on eating to the very last minute, unafraid of my approach. And as soon as I put the feeder back up in the tree he was back, not even waiting for me to leave. In this frantic feeding no wonder there was an accident.

I went back to the window to check the bird again. His head had been resting on the ground and things definitely did not look good! But, did I see his head up now? Yes, he had lifted up his head and he was moving his head right and left and up and down. I prayed in desperation. And I kept watching feeling guardedly hopeful. And next thing I knew he took to the air and flew to the swamp somewhere lost to my eyes. I was ecstatic. I got down on my knees and thanked God. This was truly a miracle. In my pessimism and superstition that I must battle with daily I have lost all faith in miracles. But miracles do happen. The guy at work who was on death’s door after collapsing outside the library and wound up having cancer, was now fully tumor free and working out at the gym. Another miracle. People and birds don’t always die even when things look their bleakest. Sometimes there are miracles. And my husband came home safe and sound and apologized to me and was happy to be home. Sometimes, too, there are happy endings.

Animal and Landscape Photographs


No.6

Horses and Watercolor Trees

Autumn, the “second spring, where every leaf is a flower.” ~ Albert Camus

No.5 Landscape in a Window

No. 4 Melancholia

No. 3 Fall Reflections

No. 2 Chagall Lambs

No. 1 Lace Highlights

All limited edition original photographs available in different sizes and formats.

Mood Photographs


No. 5 Homage to Rothko

No. 4 Soul Gathering

No. 3 “Moonshadow” no. 2

(Photograph after Cat Stevens/Yusuf)

No. 2 The Rush of Feeling

No. 1 “Moonshadow” (Photograph after Cat Stevens/Jusuf)

All limited edition original photographs available in different sizes and formats.

Oh, We of Stardust Made (and Other Interesting Facts by Sergio Toporek)


“Consider that you can see less than 1% of the electromagnetic spectrum and hear less than 1% of the acoustic spectrum. As you read this, you are traveling at 220 km/sec across the galaxy. 90% of the cells in your body carry their own microbial DNA and are not “you.” The atoms in your body are 99.9999999999999999% empty space and none of them are the ones you were born with, but they all originated in the belly of a star. Human beings have 46 chromosomes, 2 less than the common potato. The existence of the rainbow depends on the conical photoreceptors in your eyes; to animals without cones, the rainbow does not exist. So you don’t just look at a rainbow, you create it. This is pretty amazing, especially considering that all the beautiful colors you see represent less than 1% of the electromagnetic spectrum.” –Sergio Toporek

stars

(Click http://www.independentauthornetwork.com/ellen-stockdale-wolfe.html for information on, and to purchase my Bipolar/Asperger’s memoir.)

“Never, Never”


“It won’t happen again.  Never. Never. Never.  It’ll never happen again.  No. No. No.”

 The words to a song by Yusuf, better known as Cat Stevens, about a love affair gone awry.  The words reverberate in my head repeatedly in true Bipolar style, as in true Aspie style, I listen to the song over and over and over and over again.  My perseveration on the song fashions the words into a mantra, sending me full throttle into another state of consciousness, like the whirling dervishes of Istanbul who spin until they enter a mystical state.  Since I no longer alter my consciousness with alcohol, cigarettes or recreational drugs (was too crazy to go that route), and since I am on anti-psychotic medications which keep me in reality, I have to use music, meditate and  take refuge in nature to venture into my much-missed mystical states of being.  The states today are washed out versions of the vibrant intensity I was accustomed to earlier in my life.  But then, at age 28, my mind, never too strong to begin with, broke down and reality shattered into so many smithereens of glass.  “It’s always a trade-off,” the experts say.  But (and a “but” with a capital “B”) the psych meds hold me together and, most importantly of all, they allow me to love.

“It will never happen again.  No. No. No.”

I can’t say that.  My first major manic episode was ignited by a flaming crush at work that catapulted me into the fractionated world of psychosis for a very long time.  Some thirty years later I am unsure just how far away that world is.  It is not unusual for love to trigger the first manic episode in Bipolars, and I had another when I met the man who was to become my husband.  This time the psychosis lost the war– because the love was reciprocated and nurturing– the most stable thing I had ever experienced.  And (big “and”) because I was medicated. Though it felt like another break with reality was encroaching on my psyche, it never materialized and has not since.

But there have been close calls now and then.  Writing my memoir of madness while working part-time, I would go to my job with all the raw feelings I was writing about whirling around inside me and, seemingly, outside me as well, as though stamped on my forehead.  The memories and flashbacks bubbled up from deep inside like a lava flow of feelings. But no breakdown.

Mania is not the only state that flirts with psychosis.  So, too, does the underbelly of the beast, depression.  Loss of loved ones and caring for my dying mother brought me perilously close to the precipice again but extra medication kept me on the sane side of psychosis.

Even now any highly emotional experience (and being bipolar there are many) can shake the foundations of the self.   Beholding great beauty in ecstatic encounters with nature, profound connections between thoughts and ideas, connecting deeply to another person—all these can send me reeling into space wondering if I can make it back to earth.  These are all dangers I engage in somewhat recklessly for they make up the majestic magic and mystery of life. Friends and family I have helped keep my feet on the ground, but my husband is my real anchor to reality.  Should something happen to Tom, well…

No.  Unlike a dead love affair, I can’t say the descent into madness “will never happen again.”  As I drift in and out of tantalizing trips into mania and try to flee the inevitable free fall into depression, I hang on for dear life and will not let go.

Enjoy the song sung soulfully by Cat Stevens, “MaybeYou’re Right…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUnxkW4zeM4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

(Click http://www.independentauthornetwork.com/ellen-stockdale-wolfe.html  for information on, and to purchase my Bipolar/Asperger’s memoir.)

Three “Dog Day” Birthdays


It is a “dog day” in August, with the mercury near 90 degrees.  It is the weekend and I am sitting in the backyard watching for wildlife.  The birds are laying low.  Our normally “Grand Central” marsh out back, our playground for the birds who fly hither and thither most of the time, is seemingly empty.  The leaves on the trees are still except for the occasional breeze that cools the sweat on the body, and moves leaves on the tree I call the “penny tree” (because its leaves shimmer like so many pennies in the wind).  A frog jumps at my feet in the shade taking measured leaps, all too aware of my presence despite my stillness.

Purple Loosestrife is emerging in the late summer marsh, along with Goldenrod and Joe Pie Weed.  Bees swarm all over the Joe Pie Weed.  Giant yellow swallow-tails flit among the Loosestrife.  Every time I try to take a picture of them they are on to new horizons.  In fact, no one is moving much except the insects, and they are moving in a frenzied pace as if to make up for lost time.

In torpor, my mind melding with the heat, finally I am driven to move out of the sun to shade in order to see better.  Tiny fritillary fly to and fro.  I look up at the still trees and feel peace, a soothing peace that my soul hungers for most of the time.  It makes me feel guilty though, feeling this peace while so many near and dear to me are in distress.  Perhaps I feel guilty because my husband is inside resting, way too tired from a hard week at work, at a hard job, giving therapy to the mentally ill in the South Bronx.  He is in a foul mood after a bad week and it is his father’s birthday, the first birthday since his father died last fall.   But deep down I know the guilt largely stems from the fact that my brother is dying of cancer. Lung cancer.  Stage 3.  Inoperable. With 2-4 months left to live.  I spoke to him on the phone the afternoon before his first chemo the other day.  My macho brother said, “I am scared.” A first for a brother who rarely admits to any feelings at all.  And he called me right after the chemo to say he was okay, but I have not heard since.  I hope it is because he had a test Friday and has no results yet to share. I fear though that the silence means he is feeling sick from the chemo.

Chemo is different these days.  When my best friend, Mom and Dad had chemo 16, 22 and 25 years ago, you could die from it.  And it made them very ill.  More people are surviving today but as far as chemo goes, things have not progressed that much.

So here I sit contemplating nature, feeling one with God while my brother sits in Michigan with his wife and three adopted kids, dying.  Is it fair?  No. Will we visit him?  Maybe. If I can sedate myself so as not to go to pieces when I see him at 5’7″ and 106 pounds, looking unlike the brother I ever knew.  Can he pull through?  Possibly.  More people are surviving cancer these days.  Can it be possible that my kid brother has cancer?  It can’t be.  Do I cry?  On and off.  At the most inopportune times.  Is my brother brave?  Yes.  Because he didn’t have health insurance and because he was afraid and because he was in pain, he did not go the doctor for a year.  He fought his cancer on his own with ibuprofen!  Now he is on morphine.  That’s brave and not brave.  Making a joke saying, “Well, I STILL have my hair!” just a few hours after his first chemo is funny.  It is also brave.   My brother didn’t get help until he collapsed one day, bringing up blood.  Losing my balance, I had fallen on my face one hour before my brother collapsed.  Is there a link between loved ones that operates when one is failing?  I think so.

Although I sit writing in the cooling shade, transported to another plane, I am thinking of my brother and my husband and his widowed stepmother and his sister whose birthday is also next week.  Susan had a mastectomy last summer.  She is just one of the many suffering in our world.  The “dog days” of summer are upon us and for some there are nothing but dog days.

I absorb all the life about me, the frog hopping periodically, the catbird whining, the insects flying frantically, gliding butterflies that fly by too fast, and I wonder about this thing called life.  How long it seems sometimes, and yet it goes by in a blink of the eye.  In the cooling air as the shadows lengthen, bringing more shade and delightful zephyrs, the birds return and a robin eyes me curiously.  I give thanks to the Creator for giving us islands of beauty in a sometimes grim world, for the islands of happiness, in devastation, for islands of peace that well up from the soul within, even in the worst of times.

Happy Birthday, Dad!  We miss you.  Happy Birthday, Susan!  May you remain cancer-free.  And, most of all, Happy Birthday, Tony!  May your birthday next week not be your last!   God bless you all!

Note: The above was written in August, 2009.  My brother lived another two years and died June 17, 2011.  My sister-in-law celebrated her 4th year cancer-free just a month ago.

(Click http://www.independentauthornetwork.com/ellen-stockdale-wolfe.html  for information on, and to purchase my Bipolar/Asperger’s memoir.)

“One Day at a Time”


At one point in my life I was just trying to get through one hour at a time.  Actually I have vivid memories of it sometimes being 15 minutes at time in which I would be praying to God in utter desperation.  Such times could come again but I would hope to be stronger if, or more likely, when they return.

Fleet-footed moments of heart-stopping anxiety visit far too often even now, maybe just to keep me in practice.  Uncontrolled thoughts of a scary future fraught with frets and worries frequent my mind, “pissing on the present,” as they say.  These visitations may be the by-product of Bipolar Disorder and/or my Asperger’s Syndrome.  In any case, my current goal is to learn “mindfulness” through meditation to correct this distortion of time and consciousness.

Long the slogan of A.A. and other methods of recovery, “one day at a time” can also be a celebration of, and desire for, peace– world peace, as well as inner peace.  Yusuf/Cat Stevens expresses this poetically, as always, in his song, “One Day at a Time,”  in this video link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-Xpa7pNKRc&feature=channel&list=UL

(Click http://www.independentauthornetwork.com/ellen-stockdale-wolfe.html  for information on, and to purchase my Bipolar/Asperger’s memoir.)

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