Posts tagged “Jusuf

My Mind is Broken

It is 3 A.M. and it is another night I cannot sleep.  I have taken two sleeping pills to no avail.  When I am manic sleep does not come easily.  I write.  I eat.  I check email.  I pace the rooms back and forth, in and out of bed.  Luckily my husband does not wake during my perambulations.  The mania is not of the inflated ego variety, though I have had that at an earlier time in my life.  Years ago I remember going by Harlem on a bus route home one night when I was flagrantly psychotic and proclaiming, “These are my people!”  Why I said this I couldn’t tell you now– sparked most likely from some manic feeling of camaraderie. But, of course, it was beyond grandiosity and just plain crazy (yes, that is a psychiatric term).   Perhaps the roots arose out of the closeness I had with my Sicilian grandfather who was not exactly white and who had much spirit– what an African-American might call “soul.”  And from my father, a jazz trombonist, who spent his youth sleeping in bathtubs in Harlem when he would come to the city from white suburbia for jam sessions.  He, too, like my grandfather, had “soul”  hidden under white skin.

In any case, thanks to the anti-psychotic family of medicines I am not grandiose tonight. I did forget to take my meds the other night  and, like Karma, that affects everything about my life.   I am just raring for the day to start, for the morning to come.  I see a drunk sitting outside on a stoop smoking.  I want to see, not the people of the night, but the purposeful people of the morning, going to school, going to work, walking their dogs.  Two hours and forty-five minutes to go.  And then time to wake up, have coffee, pray, make plans for the work of the day.  How can fifteen minutes seem like an hour?  How can the cool night breeze masquerade as a morning zephyr?  I will make one last attempt to go to bed and sleep.  First, I will post a video of Jusuf’s, formerly known as Cat Stevens, of a beautiful hymn he sang, “Morning Has Broken.”  I am also posting a photo I took of a marsh in the morning light.  Enjoy!  And Good morning!

This was written a year ago in a mild manic episode.  Right now I am fighting depression triggered by Lyme disease and antibiotics.  I have zero creativity so resort to rewrites.  Hope to be back writing soon and commenting on fellow bloggers’ posts.  Please excuse the silence but that is how it is being Bipolar.   (Click  for information on, and to purchase, my Bipolar/Asperger’s memoir.)

“Music Magic”


a lightness of being

want to share

the scintillating spark

 Cat Stevens

and his cohorts


the Light

music often mania makes

is this mania


is it the catepillar

coming out of the chrysalis of depression

being Bipolar bears

cacophonic confusion

even after 6 decades

who cares

Cat Stevens

a gift to me

from my brother

post mortem

his legacy to me

because he loved him

and because I missed him

I listened

too late to share the love


my gift to you

just listen and let

soul to soul transmission


its music magic


in a crescendo



The Beloved

For a very long time when I was alone and had no hope.   Being Bipolar and having Asperger’s,  I thought I would never find love.  I had  lost it many times.  My vision of the  future was totally black and bleak.

Years later, at age 35,  I found love again.  This time it felt right though I was filled with much uncertainty at the time.  Almost 24 years have past and it seems righter than ever.  We have nudged each other to grow and we have grown.  There is still a future to face, now of old age.  But every day can bring a new and unanticipated  revelation.  Recently, and on more than one  occasion, I have looked into the eyes of my beloved and seen a tiny glimpse of The Beloved.  An epiphany of sorts.  For love of a human is but a taste of the love of God.

In the video below, Cat Stevens, now known as Yusuf, sings of earthly love and The Divine.  For those of you who don’t know, after starting out as a folk/rock star, he found Islam and that radically changed his life.  He gave  up fame and fortune to pursue God.  In the end, he found his way back to music to use it to witness  The Beloved.  And that is the title of the song below.

Mood Photographs

No. 5 Homage to Rothko

No. 4 Soul Gathering

No. 3 “Moonshadow” no. 2

(Photograph after Cat Stevens/Yusuf)

No. 2 The Rush of Feeling

No. 1 “Moonshadow” (Photograph after Cat Stevens/Jusuf)

All limited edition original photographs available in different sizes and formats.