Afraid of Love
Bipolar 1, OCD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. These were the labels awarded me when a major breakdown at age 28 literally catapulted me into therapy. Later came yet another label, Asperger’s Syndrome. In crisis, I was given a choice: medication or a mental hospital. I chose medication.
At this point my life began. Having left behind a trail of failed relationships, I started my quest for love, this time by journeying within. For many years, I lived in a world of delusion and psychosis. Somehow I managed to keep working my job in a university library.
All along the motivation to get well arose from a partly delusional, somewhat complex, unrequited love for a woman at work. Heretofore, heterosexual I learned that I was bisexual. A surprise. Much more importantly, I learned that I had severe problems with my own identity. I was very split by Bipolar Disorder. So split I felt like two different people. Before loving anyone, I had to overcome major problems with closeness due to Asperger’s Syndrome.
I thought I had found someone to love but love was not to come until I struggled through 7 years of hard therapeutic work. I had to start from scratch. When love came, it came in the form of a man. He became my husband of 25 years, Thomas.
My book, “Eye-locks and Other Fearsome Things“, chronicles the journey just pre-breakdown through psychosis, towards some semblance of sanity. It closes with my finally finding love. And though it starts off with insanity, it addresses the very human problems of intimacy and fear of closeness. Meant to give hope to the mentally ill and help enlighten their therapists, my saga may help those of the sane world who have issues with love and intimacy, not just the mentally ill.
Available on Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble Nook, iBooks, and Smashwords, for $2.99, my book explains what it feels like to be Bipolar and on the Autism spectrum and explores the phantasmagorical mystery of love.
One review on Amazon.com by a psychologist:
MOONSIDE 
This is one of those very rare occasions when I applaud a self-promoting blog post – though it is of course, far from being ‘self’ promoting.
Your honesty and openness is truly admirable Ellen, and I wish you further success with your unique and lauded book.
With gratitude and respect as always, Hariod.
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July 1, 2014 at 11:49 AM
Thank you so much, Hariod. Yes, it is hardly self-promoting since I know I will probably lose some followers and “friends” because of this post. But I did not write the book to hide it away. It was written to help people like me through their experiences and to give hope to them and understanding to their therapists. Such is life though. Mental health stigma is very much alive and well. That makes people like you stand out in an admirable way. Thank you!
On Tue, Jul 1, 2014 at 11:49 AM, MOONSIDE wrote:
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July 1, 2014 at 5:35 PM
Quite right Ellen – you can fairly take pride in what you’ve accomplished; and it’s only proper that you should spread the word too, to those that will listen . . .
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July 1, 2014 at 6:02 PM
just purchased it. Look forward to reading it. Great post.
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July 1, 2014 at 8:15 PM
Wow, thanks so much!! It is not an easy read but I really hope you will find it interesting. Thanks so much!!
On Tue, Jul 1, 2014 at 8:15 PM, MOONSIDE wrote:
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July 1, 2014 at 8:58 PM
Interesting, challenging, and well-written engages me far more than an easy read.
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July 1, 2014 at 11:05 PM
Well, I do hope you like it. Thank you again for your vote of confidence.
On Tue, Jul 1, 2014 at 11:05 PM, MOONSIDE wrote:
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July 2, 2014 at 11:47 AM
Even having the label is so hard and doctors give them away in such a matter-of-fact manner. I remember when I was given my labels. When the doctor said I had generalised anxiety disorder and severe depression, the ground fell! It is the beginning of control but first it causes more crisis.
I am so happy that you and your husband found eachother!!! LOVE really heals so much of the mental anguish but as we both know, the residue remains and we have to work through it!
I cannot wait to read your book, I have been wanting to buy it for ages but since arriving in India, I no longer have a bank account haha! As soon as I do, I am going to buy it, it is written in my notebook. During the months I have know you, I have seen your kind and beautiful heart which shines through so strongly!!!!!
Lots of loveeeeeeeee as always xxxxx
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July 2, 2014 at 1:05 AM
Aaawww, thank you SO very much, Lauren! I hope you do read the book sometime. In the months I have known you I could say the same about you. I am amazed by how many people you write caring comments to and interact with. I am amazed by how much you have had to adjust to despite your problems. And I just love your blog! In fact, I had a minor procedure Monday and went under anesthesia and when I awoke I said, “I went to India.” Your blog brings India to the rest of the world and that is great on so many levels. But foremost it is dedicated to love and so of utmost value, especially in today’s world. We are both SO blessed in finding our respective husbands!!! Sending love back to you!! xxxx ellen
On Wed, Jul 2, 2014 at 1:05 AM, MOONSIDE wrote:
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July 2, 2014 at 11:56 AM
a brave and noble undertaking to abandon privacy of suffering in order to help others – kudos
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July 2, 2014 at 6:20 AM
Your comment means SO much to me. Thank you, dear Paul!!
On Wed, Jul 2, 2014 at 6:20 AM, MOONSIDE wrote:
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July 2, 2014 at 11:40 AM
Someone once said that the Japanese language doesn’t have a word that distinguishes different types of sexuality: homosexual, bi, or hetero, there is simply sex. Your attraction to a woman reminds me that there are no boundaries in love, all borders are crossed when the light of love opens our eyes and hearts.
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July 2, 2014 at 8:43 AM
Thank you, Cheyenne, for your enlightening comment. I believe as you do love is love and good to hear the Japanese apparently think so, too. I do appreciate your opinion in a still very homophobic world.
On Wed, Jul 2, 2014 at 8:43 AM, MOONSIDE wrote:
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July 2, 2014 at 11:44 AM
Sounds like a very generous and heartfelt read, Ellen – I’ve ordered a copy.
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July 2, 2014 at 3:03 PM
Richard, Thank you so very much for your support. What a nice surprise! I just hope that you will like it– it is not an easy read. Thanks again, Ellen
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July 2, 2014 at 8:03 PM
Amazing, I commend you for having the strength and the fortitude to overcome that alphabet soup of diagnoses. And writing a book, Kudos!
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October 16, 2017 at 1:38 AM
I am SO sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Have been having physical illnesses as well, as yet undiagnosed and haven’t been reading or writing on WordPress at all. But I really appreciate your comment and will right away look at your blog. Again apologies.
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October 30, 2017 at 5:51 PM
Please, no need to apologize. I understand. Hope you find out what the illness is, and feel much, much better very soon! With your strength, I’m sure you will survive, and do better than survive. Hugs for you, my friend.
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October 30, 2017 at 7:32 PM
Thank you so much for your understanding. You seem like a very warm and empathetic person. I really find it funny that you think me strong when I am afraid of absolutely everything. Too vivid an imagination. Thank you so much for writing. Glad to meet you.
Hugs to you!! Ellen
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November 3, 2017 at 5:21 PM