Being in Winter
How higher they be
than me
for they know how
to just Be
always
in the present
in the Silence
so profound in winter
but in the forever now
I look fearfully ahead
towards a future of endings
and losses
of attachments
acquired over the years
none more strong
than our love
I used to know
how to just be
like a tree
spontaneously
when very young
now I seek to Be
as I was in youth
in rapture
not just in nature
but always
as the sheep
in the deep
of winter.
When I Say Jesus…
When I say Jesus
in these poems,
I hope you don’t think
that I think
that I know
with any real precision
what I’m talking about.
When a stone
says yes
to one day
returning to
the shimmering heart of a star,
and the star says yes
to beaming that stone’s endless heart
through all of space and time,
and the gravity inside of every
pebble, rock, and speck of sand
becomes a continuum of Meaning,
it becomes difficult to say
just what exactly that
stone has become,
or what all those other stones
are really up to.
What seems most important,
is that after years of wandering
from town-to-town,
gathering in taverns
or caves by the sea
to listen to sages and saints,
after walking across miles
of starlit landscapes,
some nights torn asunder
by the tensions of possibility and custom,
others rescued from the void
by the touch of…
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ocean into a drop…
All know that the drop merges into the ocean, but few know that the ocean merges into the drop.
~ Kabir
The Secrets of Winter
Sweet winter melancholy
assuages my soul
with its
bare branches
reaching Godwards
and
its subdued light
speaks of the Almighty
in silent whispers
that are drowned out by sunlight
and the mania of summer.
Follow the Yellow-Lined Road
My husband recounts a story of being a little boy riding in the backseat of his parents car and blowing kisses to the telephone polls because they looked so lonely.
Wishing You Light…
and LOVE to guide you through the New Year!
With humble thanks to all who have followed, visited or commented on my blog…
and special thanks to regular commenters: Kitt O’Malley at “KittOMalley”, Mitza at “Made by Mitza”, Richard Guest at “The Future is Papier Mache”, Hariod Brawn at “Contentedness.net” and Genie at “Poetry Whisperer”
for their many generous comments!
Love always to all,
Ellen
The Lone Fir Tree
A lone fir tree
stands stalwart in a forest of red
watching over the turtles sleeping peacefully
in their hibernaculum
in the icy pond
as God
watches over us
A silent night of peace to each of you
and a berry, merry Christmas!
Love always,
Ellen
Christmas Blues
Dedicated to all those sick, lonely, destitute… anyone who feels blue this time of year…
A Medical Warning to the Medicated– Trigger warnings
We who are mentally ill are at the mercy of our psychiatrists. They throw pills at us hoping to help us. Okay, to be fair, some pills DO work. At one point in my life, they kept me out of the mental hospital. But sometimes they don’t. I have been ailing for months and my general practitioner could not find anything wrong despite constant low grade fever, three or four migraines a week, faintness and dizziness. He never called me a hypochondriac. The thermometer did not lie. But I felt he thought me a complaining nuisance. My psychiatrist was mystified! He should not have been.
Miraculously, for some reason, out of the blue, I remembered years ago, when the psychiatrist first put me on Zyprexa, never being more sick so often than when I went on it. I googled “Zyprexa side effects” and found fever, faintness and dizziness as side effects, especially when combined with other drugs I am taking, prescribed by said psychiatrist.
Zyprexa IS a miracle drug psychologically. It DID help me over come much, but definitely not all, anxiety. It DID stabilize my moods better than anything before since I cannot take typical mood stabilizers. Recently, though, the physical symptoms have been taking a toll on my life. I have found it hard to keep up friendships. I became housebound due to feeling ill. I found it hard to keep up with the blog and haven’t been posting like I used to, nor able to read nearly as many posts of people I love to follow. Maybe some of you noticed. Maybe not. In desperation I finally told my psychiatrist that I wanted to get off Zyprexa. He was all for it due to side effects of serious weight gain and a propensity towards diabetes. Why had he not told me to get off it before???
Well, two days into withdrawal, I am nauseous and have flu-like dizziness and weakness. And I am nursing a husband who has bronchitis. I have started the withdrawal and intend to try to continue. Trying to figure out just what was going on, I googled “Zyprexa withdrawal.” Guess what? Flu-like symptoms, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, all for an indefinite length of time. I only decreased the dosage by one half a pill, 1 measly milligram, and am having this hard of a time. I will have to go through this again when I decrease the other half dose.
Why don’t doctors know about ALL the side effects of the pills they prescribe??? And why don’t they warn the patients of the withdrawal possibilities??? I have been on Zyprexa for 10 or so years. So this will be heavy duty withdrawal.
We who are mentally ill must suffer not only symptoms but the opprobrium of our friends, doctors and all who come in contact with us. It is not just the mental illness we suffer from but side effects from the medications as well.
In part, I blame myself. I should have been more informed. I should have questioned the doctors. I should have googled symptoms earlier. I should not have blindly trusted my psychiatrist. I should have remembered back to a time when I had health. But I didn’t.
A warning to all those Schizophrenics and Bipolars out there or anyone else whose doctor is thinking of putting them on Zyprexa, MAKE AN INFORMED DECISION! Discuss the costs and the benefits, not just the benefits.
And if you are on Zyprexa and want to go off it, tell your doctor first!!! Don’t do it on your own!!! Abrupt withdrawal can be fatal. Yes, fatal, as in dead.
And to my followers, I am sincerely sorry for not always responding, visiting or reading your posts over the past few months. Have no idea how this is going to play out but it has to be. I will do what I can.
Love always,
Ellen
Home Sweet Home
How horrid to be homeless
for
home
is
shelter
safety
security
Like this home
for creatures from the deep
Giving Thanks to the Animals
On the day those in the U.S. set aside for giving thanks, I thank God for the animals who have led me on a higher path in my life. Animals have been among my best teachers.
HAPPY DAY OF GRATITUDE TO ALL!
(Dedicated to Duchie and to Ko-Ko)
Moonset
The hush
of predawn
in which
the moon
silently
surreptitiously
descends
into the black hole
of the tail end
of night
*
A similar moment
years ago
in my arms
as she struggled to breathe
already half the battle
over
one prick of the needle
instantly limp
a hushed end
to a soulmate
our baby
*
Why can’t we
too
go this way
as softly as
a moon setting
in the whisper
of predawn
of a new day?
“Awareness of Awareness”
My friend, Tiramit, over at DhammaFootsteps.com sent me a reference to the wonderful video on awareness…
To see it, CLICK ON Inner Medium.com.
Don’t be fooled by the cartoon nature at the introductory beginning of the video. All kinds of experts on consciousness are interviewed, from academics to a homeless man, from a Self-Realization monk to a race car driver, from a scientist to a business man and from a guru to artists and a psychic. All speak on thinking, Awareness and consciousness. It ends with Sri Mooji, whose retreat in London I am attending online for the next 5 days. This video is a perfect segue into the Self-Inquiry process Mooji teaches.
Meantime, till next post, enjoy the beautiful Fall!
Musical Apology
Temporarily out of commission, sorry to miss your posts, I offer you beautiful Madhuri Dixit dancing for the equally beautiful Shahrukh Khan, a visual fantasia…
P.S. Disregard any note you may get about video not being available for public, just click on link.
Mystical Vibrations
The reverberations of love
Jump across time and space
To another receptive heart
The reverberations of suffering
Resound around the earth
Picked up by open souls in prayer
The reverberations of aum
Most sacred of sounds
Pulse through our minds in meditation
Love brings the possibility of loss
Suffering brings a totality of pain
Aum brings the reality of God within
THANK YOU!!
Going to take 5 days off in the country to regroup and hopefully return to health and to celebrate my husband’s birthday. Will try to read posts but may not have adequate reception.
Meantime to thank all of you I leave you in good company with good thoughts…
Life vs. Death, Living vs. Existing
I know the importance of mental health screening first hand, as a person who is Bipolar, with Asperger’s, OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Therapy works. So does the right combination of medications. It is the difference between life and death. It is the difference between just existing and living a productive life with loving relationships. If you are having difficulties coping, feel you cannot go on as you are, are depressed or have any number of emotional problems, get screened. Get help. You cannot do it alone. I know. I tried. This may be the single most important decision of your life. And if you are interested you can read about the story of my battle against mental illness.
For screening go to:
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/mental-health-screening-tools
Do Lions Feel?
This video should put to rest any doubt that all animals are sentient beings. I feel badly that this lion is trapped in a zoo but at least he was saved from death. Obviously never forgot his saviour.
http://www.vitality101.com/Fun/lion-kisses-rescuer
MOONSIDE 
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