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My Former Life


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In my former life I was a bee.

Why else would I keep sticking my nose

into the private, pollinated parts of flowers?

In my former life I was a turtle.

Why else would I hunch my shoulders

into a seeming shell, my back a carapace

to shield me from a sometimes dangerous world?

In my former life I loved thee.

How else could I account for my “knowing” you

from before the first time we met,

 for “seeing” the you in your inner depths?

Some would say  I risk damnation

for a belief in reincarnation.

Yet this answer satisfies me on so many levels

and requities my thirst, quieting my myriad of questions

that the old belief system did not.

Unpopular in the west,

woven into the fabric of life in the east

in which I clothe myself,  sewn by a strong affinity,

a strange familiarity,

attraction mystifies.

Most of us cannot remember

the details of the other lives,

and are left with fractured fragments of the past

glistening like sea glass in our hands, on the seashores of our minds,

trying to piece together a picture

of a previous existence.

Love is timeless and mysterious

and though I dread the inevitable,

the loss of our life together

in this life,

I know we will be together again in the next and the next

ad infinitium

for something as sacrosanct as our love

is eternal.

Welcome to samples of my work in various art forms showcasing “Eye-locks and Other Fearsome Things.”  “Eye-locks” is a Bipolar/Asperger’s memoir in narrative form that describes the triumph of love over mental illness.

A Microcosm of the Macrocosm


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To see a cathedral in a flower,

 to be drunk with its nectar,

under an opalescent sky.

*

Infinity is our Home.  We are just sojourning awhile in the caravanserai of the body.”

Paramahansa Yoganada~

 

(Click http://www.independentauthornetwork.com/ellen-stockdale-wolfe.html  for information on, and to purchase my Bipolar/Asperger’s memoir.)

 

My Mind is Broken


It is 3 A.M. and it is another night I cannot sleep.  I have taken two sleeping pills to no avail.  When I am manic sleep does not come easily.  I write.  I eat.  I check email.  I pace the rooms back and forth, in and out of bed.  Luckily my husband does not wake during my perambulations.  The mania is not of the inflated ego variety, though I have had that at an earlier time in my life.  Years ago I remember going by Harlem on a bus route home one night when I was flagrantly psychotic and proclaiming, “These are my people!”  Why I said this I couldn’t tell you now– sparked most likely from some manic feeling of camaraderie. But, of course, it was beyond grandiosity and just plain crazy (yes, that is a psychiatric term).   Perhaps the roots arose out of the closeness I had with my Sicilian grandfather who was not exactly white and who had much spirit– what an African-American might call “soul.”  And from my father, a jazz trombonist, who spent his youth sleeping in bathtubs in Harlem when he would come to the city from white suburbia for jam sessions.  He, too, like my grandfather, had “soul”  hidden under white skin.

In any case, thanks to the anti-psychotic family of medicines I am not grandiose tonight. I did forget to take my meds the other night  and, like Karma, that affects everything about my life.   I am just raring for the day to start, for the morning to come.  I see a drunk sitting outside on a stoop smoking.  I want to see, not the people of the night, but the purposeful people of the morning, going to school, going to work, walking their dogs.  Two hours and forty-five minutes to go.  And then time to wake up, have coffee, pray, make plans for the work of the day.  How can fifteen minutes seem like an hour?  How can the cool night breeze masquerade as a morning zephyr?  I will make one last attempt to go to bed and sleep.  First, I will post a video of Jusuf’s, formerly known as Cat Stevens, of a beautiful hymn he sang, “Morning Has Broken.”  I am also posting a photo I took of a marsh in the morning light.  Enjoy!  And Good morning!

This was written a year ago in a mild manic episode.  Right now I am fighting depression triggered by Lyme disease and antibiotics.  I have zero creativity so resort to rewrites.  Hope to be back writing soon and commenting on fellow bloggers’ posts.  Please excuse the silence but that is how it is being Bipolar.   (Click http://www.independentauthornetwork.com/ellen-stockdale-wolfe.html  for information on, and to purchase, my Bipolar/Asperger’s memoir.)

Great Tranquility Of Heart


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He has great tranquility of heart who cares neither for the praises nor the fault-finding of men. He will easily be content and pacified, whose conscience is pure. You are not holier if you are praised, nor the more worthless if you are found fault with.

Thomas Kempis

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Starbursts


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Starlike

explosions of blue

with an

out of season

dusting of snow

a foretaste

of  the approach of winter

a sugary confection

one is tempted to ingest

a similar temptation

(I suppose)

as those tempted by coca.

Video

Instinct vs. Love


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(Click on photo for video)

“Instinct”

they say condescendingly

but it is not.

“Anthroprophism”

they argue

but it is not.

Science now knows

animals show altruism,

animals show love,

elephants, dogs, dolphins…

“Love” they say reverently for man

but it is and is not

Science now knows

hormones course through our bodies,

Oxytocin they say,

I say how clinical,

a dissection of love

   for man

and

 animals.

A Wee Life


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Oh wee one

how I envy thee

trudging up and down

the raindrop slopes

of rain and nectar

safe within the confines

of radiant yellow

 succulent pink

in a self-contained

world of beauty

however short-lived thy life.

No Trespassing


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You don’t belong here

this is my home

and you are intruding

this twig my perfect camouflage

for my stick-like appendages

I searched high and low

to find my home

and although nothing is truly ours

these are my digs

so “Bugger off!”

The Shower of Yellow


 

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The horses are in the home stretch with the school-imposed end of summer approaching, Labor Day weekend, a weekend I look forward to all summer long for love of Fall.  It is not a good way to think– the way I do.  Religious leaders preach living in the present.  This very moment in time is all we have.  Literally.  I have yet to overcome my hyperactive mind and many bad ways of thinking.  And this year for some reason I am feeling melancholic about the summer ending.  Perhaps it is because I am sick with a fever and not sure where the hazy heat of the sun ends and the lazy heat of the fever begins.  Perhaps it is because it is a perfect day.  A breeze whispers through what I call (in my ignorance of its real name) the “penny tree.” When the wind blows, the pale green leaves look like so many pennies shimmering down from Heaven.  The sun is so hot it tingles on the skin– yet it is not the strong sun of July that burns quickly.  It is a far gentler sun. The angle of its diurnal slant is different.  Summer is definitely slipping away.

The bees, wasps and yellow jackets are having a heyday in the Goldenrod, Joe Pye Weed and Purple Loosestrife.  The marsh is thick with flying insects.  My eyes capture swallow-tails.  Happily the monarchs are still here.  A turkey vulture circles overhead.  He must have spotted death nearby.  Earlier I saw two golden hawks fly, sunlit, into the back field.  A wisp of a cloud floats by in an otherwise perfectly blue sky.  This summer has flown by in the blink of an eye like a fritillary flits by the flowers in the marsh.

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The smell of fresh-cut lawn is intoxicating to my raw senses.  Soon the grass will cease to grow and the lush green will look washed out.  All of its inhabitants in the metropolis beneath our feet will dig deep underground or turn off their bodily systems to “overwinter”– an amazing concept to a mammal.  Some fill their bodies with a type of antifreeze.  Nature never ceases to astound.  This summer I have made my peace with the insects.  Terrified of them as a child, I have come to love and respect them, indeed hold them in great awe for the feats they accomplish.  Our accomplishments pale as humans, supposedly so superior.

No longer do I see turtles sunning on rocks, nor snakes coming out to bask in the heat of the road.  Some species of birds have already left– unbeknownst to me.  I just know that some I used to see are gone.  The sweet bird song of the spring mating season is a fleeting memory.  One lone humming-bird flies around the marsh intermittently, causing great excitement in the viewing audience.

It is the time to dead head the flowers of summer.  It is the time of Black-Eyed Susans and Peonies and Sedum.  And soon it will be the time of the Mums.

With each gust of wind yellow finger-like walnut leaves shower down on our heads– like large, oddly-shaped, yellow snowflakes– a foretaste of snowfalls to come.  The sun’s shadows grow long as twilight nears.  Soon the white cloud “lions and tigers and bears” will retire into the black cave of night.  And the summer will die, and in dying, give birth to fall.  The comfortable rhythm of the changing season beats in our sometimes unhearing hearts.

(Click http://www.independentauthornetwork.com/ellen-stockdale-wolfe.html  for information on, and to purchase my Bipolar/Asperger’s memoir.)

When Deadlines Become Zombies

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