TRIUMPH OF SPIRIT IN LOVE, NATURE & ART

Posts tagged “Manic Depression

Apology

To all of you who have “liked” my posts over the past week, a heartfelt apology and a mighty THANK YOU!!!  I would have liked to have stopped by your blogs but am following WAY, WANY too many people and can’t keep up.  I keep following more and more people when I am manic and then feel hopelessly unable to keep up when in the depressed cycle– which is where I am now.  I am clean out of words, in a downward spiral, and on day 3 of a mighty migraine.  Hope you’ll stop by again sometime in the future so I can visit your place.  


Overloaded Circuits: a Poem for World Bipolar Day, March 30, 2014

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I’m in somnia

with jackhammer brain

a buzzing mind

a humming with emotions

thoughts and pictures

memories of joys

lost to death

spirits close to my heart

seemingly worlds away

guilt, loss and happiness

sickness and death

as well as

breathtaking beauty

a bedfellow with

gnawing worries

and gnashing nerves

fleeting images from films and

music playing at high speed

in the library of my mind

voices of today, yesterday and

fears of tomorrow

vying for an ear

asking me to listen

to them all

all at once

a cacophony of sounds

in the humming silence

of the specter-filled

haunting darkness

with fearsome death dangling

its loathsome threats

before my darting eyes

afraid not for myself

but of losing him

as he lies beside me

breathing noises

breeding worry, sorry

dashing thoughts of love, passion, doubts

a scarily-still lump beside

insomniac-hyper-racing-mind

manic me

finally arising out of

maudlin months

of dismal darkness

and deep, dark despair

when death smelled sweet to me

*

I get out of bed

to lay my face

upon the windowsill

to gaze at the mystery sky

full of twinkling stars

glittering to the rhythms

of the pulsing universe

my only hope for some

semblance of somnolence

my only chance for peace.

For info on my Bipolar memoir, please see: http://www.independentauthornetwork.com/ellen-stockdale-wolfe.html


Two Different Worlds

I am Bipolar.  I used to think I was two different people.  In the remarkable article below Bipolar Disorder is described as inhabiting two different worlds.

The Bipolar Bum

#worldbipolarday #bipolar #bipolarbum #manicdepression #endmentalillnessstigma #mania #depression

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Bipolar: How to be in two places at once

Everywhere we go, we occupy two completely separate places.  One usually takes priority, emboldened by our current mental state, but nevertheless a person with Bipolar occupies two separate worlds.

 Think of it as two narratives being played out on speakers.  Periodically the volume shifts heavily from one to the other but you are left with the sometimes dreadful knowledge that it WILL oscillate at some point in the future.  Just acknowledging this can be a stressor in and of itself and many people with Bipolar require that they are CONSTANTLY vigilant observing their mental garden, and pulling out the weeds as  early as possible.

As white-hot, humming mania begins to recede I become anxious and pre-emptively disheartened at the potential of how low…

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Prayer of Despair

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Oh God,

where art thou?

I feel Thee not near me

clouds obscure Thy light

fields lie barren like my soul

Love was in my heart

but I feel it not

all is obscured

Pain and illness

shroud all light

in shadows of darkness

joy but a faint memory

as the mountains

in the grey distance

hope is out of season

bountiful is despair

a sin

yes

I sin the sin of darkness

and wish I could blend

into the greyness

and retire

into nothingness

Oh God,

forgive my ingratitude

for my many blessings

now shrouded in the night

so I can no longer see

Come to me

breathe life into my soul again

and let me see Thy Light

let me see love again

it was there

how does it seem to vanish

and take with it all hope

for why else is there to live?