TRIUMPH OF SPIRIT IN LOVE, NATURE & ART

Posts tagged “Pain

Aching in the Moonlight

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It’s night
Alright
But a full moon
The super moon
Wakes me at 3
Like an alarm
I married a Wolfe
Perhaps I am to howl
But I love the silence
In which I can hear
The ear sounds
Of my nervous system
Like a sea shell
Held to the ear
Sounds the ocean
I hear the whoosh
Of blood flow
Through my migrainous head
The pain keeping me
On the depressive side of mania
For in the distance
Coyotes sing
Their haunting howl
Usually heralds mania in me
A serenade
On moonlit hills
An elemental thrill
Perhaps time for a pill
To send me into the oblivion
Of Morpheus
And lead me to pain free dreams
And relief from this marathon
Of blinding ague
Where only the moonlight
So soothing and gentle
Does not hurts my throbbing eyes

 


No Laughing Matter: a Tribute to Robin Williams

Robin Williams fans mourn the loss of one of the greatest comedians of history today.  In this world of wars, and anguish, Robin Williams made us laugh.  

For Robin Williams was a most gifted comedian but Robin Williams was also Bipolar. 

His Bipolar disease fed his genius. It also killed him.

His Bipolar disease gave him the ability to wildly free associate right to the heart of our funny bones.  His performances were floridly manic but his alcoholism was depressed.  

In truth of fact, Bipolar disease often does beget genius but far more often Bipolar Disease is the cause of suicide.  The most deadly of all mental illnesses, we Bipolars see, and at times, enjoy the mania but far too often are caught in the black hole of depression.

And while fans may mourn Robin Williams, we who are Bipolar cry tears of anguish not just for one of our heroes, but also for a disease that could kill us.  

Like most Bipolars suicidal thoughts and wishes are not foreign to me, just as they are not alien to many mentally ill people.  But more Bipolars die from their mental illness than any of the other mental illnesses

Fans loved Robin Williams and ignored the Bipolar aspect.  Mental illness is still stigmatized and talked about in hushed tones.   

We who are depressed are told to “snap out of it”, “look on the bright side,” engage in “positive thinking” as if we have total control over our psyches.  If anyone could look at the funny side, it was Robin Williams and yet Bipolar depression sent him to an early grave.

Pay tribute to Robin Williams by accepting Bipolar Disorder and Major Depression and, instead of stigmatizing mental illness, treat the afflicted with acceptance and empathy.  

 May Robin Williams rest in peace at long last!!


The Reign of Pain

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Tears,years, fears, pain, pane, rain, car, far, are you there, somewhere?

I can’t hear you.  I can’t see you.  I can’t feel you.  Any more.

Why did you have to die?  Why did you have to go?

Your kids bleed for you, you know.

Your wife aches for you, you know.

I pine for you, you know.

Your absence is our has been.

Attachment our sin.

And in this reign

of pain we fail

we ail

each in our own ways.

It may be a thin veil

 that divides our souls but

why then does it feel like an iron curtain

 creating the great divide

between our being and your nothingness?

(Written for the three year anniversary of my brother’s death.)


Prayer of Despair

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Oh God,

where art thou?

I feel Thee not near me

clouds obscure Thy light

fields lie barren like my soul

Love was in my heart

but I feel it not

all is obscured

Pain and illness

shroud all light

in shadows of darkness

joy but a faint memory

as the mountains

in the grey distance

hope is out of season

bountiful is despair

a sin

yes

I sin the sin of darkness

and wish I could blend

into the greyness

and retire

into nothingness

Oh God,

forgive my ingratitude

for my many blessings

now shrouded in the night

so I can no longer see

Come to me

breathe life into my soul again

and let me see Thy Light

let me see love again

it was there

how does it seem to vanish

and take with it all hope

for why else is there to live?


Two Lips of Forever Love

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He didn’t “get it,

the “loss thing,”

when my aunt died mid-April,

and I lost my second mother.

Didn’t “get it” when I lost my first.

This was not the only time

he was lost in oblivion and

puzzled by my tears.

            *

He didn’t see me hurting

from the loss of my lineage,

and his lack of empathy for my grief

as he made me meet and greet

a friend the next day, as if all was normal.

This time I balked, bolder and older,

and he agreed it was time to ponder

and talk with his mentor.

            *

When he came home

one night days later,

full of hugs of apology,

and tulips on the kitchen counter,

it was a breakthrough for us both.

It took a few days

but what came out

brought tears upon tears.

           *

Not having grown up

with emotional displays

he didn’t “get” the meaning of loss.

With no models of grief

he didn’t know how to feel it himself

nor how to give solace,

not just lip service,

to those who had lost.

          *

 I cried for him.

How very sad, as a child

he didn’t know the love I knew.

He, a sensitive child,

in an icebox family

fraught with frigid emotion,

and warm, deep affection only

from his great-aunt, Dot.

        *

He brought me pink tulips,

flowers of a contrite heart,

and held me close

and kissed me

with lips full of apologies

but I was the one

who felt sorry for him

for the years he knew not love.

*

Twenty-eight years ago

God told me “Love this man,

trust him and have faith in him,

and hold him to your heart.”

Many moons later, I love him light-years

more than the day we met

and in then-unimaginable ways

has our love strove for the stars.

*

He has brought me:

kindness and gentleness,

generosity of spirit,

goodness of heart,

and healing humor.

What I have taught him:

the glories of love

and agony of loss.

        *

From the beginning

the seed of love was sown

for better or worse

deeply within the parched,

but fertile soil of my imperfect heart.

And he has cultivated the growth

of a stalwart, staid evergreen,

amid the blooming two-lips of forever love.


Swarms

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The attack

not killer bees

nor locusts

nor hornets

nor any insect

but the contents

of the mind

 

Tied up in knots

not safe

not secure

not strong

not peace

 

Sick with

the plague of fears

negative thoughts

insidious

invidious

poison

killing  joys

bringing tears

of pain

and loss

and grief

 

The swarms cloud the sun

taking away the Light

and all it enraptures

attacking

the very source

of life

Love