Swarms
The attack
not killer bees
nor locusts
nor hornets
nor any insect
but the contents
of the mind
Tied up in knots
not safe
not secure
not strong
not peace
Sick with
the plague of fears
negative thoughts
insidious
invidious
poison
killing joys
bringing tears
of pain
and loss
and grief
The swarms cloud the sun
taking away the Light
and all it enraptures
attacking
the very source
of life
Love
Traveling Through Violet
Light moves
silently
stealthily
surreptiously
in the dark violet
of nightfall
reflections
of phantasms
fill the windows
for I am full of fear
in the silent hum
of darkness
Through the Green Lightly…
through the pale veil of green
the tusset grasses grow
as the greening of the marsh
intensifies each longer day
while below frogs
and turtles
and fairy shrimp
dance their rite of spring
prey for the ducks,
crows, bald eagles,
ephemeral lives
we watch
nature raw
unawares
of the fragility
of us
Within Blue Prison Walls…
love happens
hugs and kisses
within the pen.
Love triumphant
over blue confinement.
Looking for the Light
In the golden hour
Spring sprouting trees
dainty with bud,
a delicate delight
devoured
by the hungry devotee.
Resurrection of the Light
Tuesday was the first day of Passover and Sunday is Easter. A holy season.
Below a holy song by Yusuf/Cat Stevens says it all — whatever denomination.
Violet Reflections
Today the sky reflects violet on the marsh
as statues stand shrouded purple in Catholic Churches.
Today my eyes weep blue tears, mirroring the sky,
at the slights, the fights, the cruelty of human nature.
Mine but pinpricks by comparison
to the persecution, execution and death
of innocents, of earth, of nature
and of He who was known as Jesus.
Mother and Child
Proud mother,
smiling unmistakable smile
as little lamb, curled up,
sleeps safely beside her,
for now.
Tomorrow
both mother and child
will cry anguished tears,
suffer a searing separation,
as they take little one away,
hopefully out of sight and sound
of mother,
to bring little lamb to slaughter
for a holiday meal.
Innocence Sacrificed
Newborn lambs
eat joyfully
and frolic freely,
with abundant abandon
and love for life,
in utter oblivion
of the upcoming holiday
for which so many will die.
A Resurrection
“Washed out” colors soon will be scintillating
and bare branches budding
with brown bush breaking out in full flowering regalia.
“Let’s Just Hold Hands”
They have been married for 52 years.
Now she is in rehab
on a feeding tube,
a phantom of her former self,
so frail.
And he is hail
for her.
He says to her:
“Let’s not talk about the past.
Let’s not talk about the future.
Let’s just sit here and hold hands.”
And so they sat for three hours
until the darkness fell.
Mid-March Reflections
What is referred to as the “washed-out” landscape
of March
is brimming with the glow of secret growth
about to burgeon forth
into a verdant folly of spring green.
No. 149
You look at me
and see hamburger,
filet mignon,
roast beef au jus.
But I am a mother/father/sister/brother.
I look at you with curiosity,
and innocence
and in the end
I will be betrayed.
But I don’t live on a factory farm
so I don’t know that yet.
I offer the following short short video by Paul McCartney for educational value. I leave the option whether you want to view it to you. It contains graphic and upsetting images but meat eaters should know how the meat comes to their plate and how factory farms operate. Taking pictures of farm animals and this video made me stop eating beef, pork and lamb– am working on eliminating chicken and fish.
“Landscape of Loss”
Sap is flowing through ice and snow
When nature awakens in late March or early April, sap starts flowing in the trees and ice changes to water marking the end of hibernation. This is the grand opening of the wetlands and the pilgrimage to the vernal pools as David M. Carroll writes in his “Swampwalker’s Journal: a Wetlands Year.” A vernal pool is a body of water which fills up in autumn and winter and is swollen in the spring but often dries up completely by the end of the summer. Carroll describes vernal pools so beautifully: “It is at snowmelt and ice-out, the last sleets, first rains, and the earliest warming breaths of spring that they beckon wood frogs, salamanders, and spring peepers from surrounding upland woods, where they have passed the winter in rotted-out trees roots [a reason not to ‘clean up’ the woods], under layers of bark and litter, in small mammal tunnels and other hibernacula in the earth.” The melting snow heralds the march of the amphibians. “Vernal pool habitats hold a galaxy of small things that come to life the instant ice and snow turn back into water.”
Carroll walks the swamps, as the title of his book suggests, in search of mating salamanders and spotted turtles, bogs, fens and all wetland flora and fauna. He tells us that there must be a certain collusion of events– several warm days in a row followed by a darkest of nights with temperatures ideally in the mid-50s with rain preferably two nights in a row. And then the magical migration begins. The salamanders begin their “annual pilgrimage” to the vernal pond to mate.
My husband and I are lucky enough to have a vernal pond on the property next door to us and when Spring comes the sound at night from that pond makes us feel as if we are camping out next to a vast wetland. The music of the spring peepers plays through the night throughout the house, often starting overeagerly in the late afternoon. This manic symphony thrills us every year. It is the first sign of Spring for us. The quality of joyousness and the affirmation of life gladdens our souls. Going to sleep with that sound makes us remember what we so often forget, to give thanks to our Creator for His magnificent creatures.
Inspired by Carroll, one year we awaited the first dark, rainy warm night after a succession of warm days. In our rain gear, armed with flashlights we set out around 11PM to look for the march of the salamanders. We walked to the nearby pond. Nothing. We walked quite aways down a nearby dirt road that has run off but is not quite a vernal pond. We shone the flashlight this way and that. Nothing. We finally headed home disappointed and dejected and my husband started towards the front door when I let out a yelp. There in the doorway was a 6 inch spotted salamander in all its glory! We never found the march of the salamanders but we were greeted by one of these fantastic amphibians right at our front door!
This story, however, does not have a happy ending. In his epilogue to the “Swampwalker’s Journal,” David Carroll explains why it took him more than 7 years to complete this book. He writes that he became involved in saving some of the wetlands in his book and says sadly nearly all of his interventions have or will become “losing battles.” He describes the plight of the wetlands, bogs and fens as a “landscape of loss.” And he scorns our human selfishness as he writes how it “reveals explicitly the extent to which we think of ourselves as owning all living things, along with the very earth, air, and water in which they live, as if we possessed some divinely mandated dominion over all creation.” He warns: “As we will learn in time none of this belongs to us.” I read these words, knowing them to be true and I think of the soon-to-be-extinct bog turtle and other creatures with the same possible fate. I think of the spotted salamander who came to our door, as did Shelley, the snapping turtle who used to return to our drive way every year to lay her eggs. I think of the spring peepers whose joyous song heralds spring next door every year, and I fear for the future of them all.
Ducks in the Morning, Ducks in the Evening…
Thought Moonside could use a little levity on this Vernal Equinox Eve with Peter Cook and Dudley Moore in their Art Gallery comedy Skit that features ducks. Ducks have now returned to the
the few ponds and lakes that have defrosted, gathering in large groups. I caught one lone duck apart from the rest– perhaps an Asperger’s duck (I think I can say that being Aspie myself with an Aspie husband). Enjoy the clip on ducks from the skit in the video below.
Two of Me?
I look down at the catalogue card on my desk. I look at the first subject heading. It says: “City planning – Zoning.” I see the word “City” and I see the word “planning” but I see them as “City – planning – Zoning,” something I’ve never seen before. I go over to Tony.
“Tony, is this a new subject heading? I’ve never seen the two together before.”
Dr. Lencek is standing by, listening and he says, “Ah, indirect communication.”
I hold the words in my mind. “Indirect communication.” What does he mean?
Tony answers gently, “Ellen, that’s not a new subject heading— we’ve used it before.”
I look down at the card. Of course, it isn’t a new heading. Now the words look normal. “City planning – Zoning.” My face burns hot and red. How stupid! I’ve used the heading for years. I slink back to my desk in embarrassment.
“It will get easier,” Dr. Lencek says.
“INDIRECT COMMUNICATION.” DR. LENCEK SAID THAT AFTER YOU SAID YOU HAD NEVER SEEN THE TWO TOGETHER BEFORE. YOU MEANT THE TWO PERSONALITIES INSIDE YOU. YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE. YOU WERE DESCRIBING YOUR MENTAL STATE IN INDIRECT COMMUNICATION. THAT’S WHAT DR. LENCEK MEANT. THAT’S WHY DR. LENCEK IS ALWAYS TELLING YOU TO FREEZE ONE PARTICULAR MOMENT IN TIME AND KEEP IT IN THE MEMORY. “HOLD IT IN YOUR MIND,” HE ALWAYS SAYS. HE IS TRYING TO GET YOU TO BE ONE MIND— ONE PERSON. YOU’RE SPLIT IN TWO.
I feel weaker than ever now, though I am sitting. I look over at Dr. Lencek who is standing nearby Tony’s desk working. I want to hug him. All the times I was so nasty to him when he was trying to communicate with me . . .
IT’S THE PLAN. IT’S THE PLAN YOU OVERHEARD DANIELLE DISCUSSING WITH CAROLINE. YOU OVERHEARD DANIELLE SAY HOW SURPRISED SHE WAS THAT THE PERSONNEL HEAD WOULD ALLOW THEM TO GO THROUGH WITH THE PLAN. DANIELLE HAD THOUGHT THE HEAD WOULD HAVE SAID NO. THEY WERE PLANNING TO SHOW YOU HAD TWO PERSONALITIES.
But why would they bother helping me in this way? Why would they bother helping me at all after all my moodiness and fits of anger?
I am shaking now. I try to get up from my desk to look up the call number for the book. Dr. Lencek is standing by. Tony and Danielle are standing to the side watching me as I try to get up. I try to put one foot in front of the other. It is as if I have forgotten how to walk. My legs and feet don’t move the right way. I look up at Danielle. She probably overheard most of the conversation between Tony and me from this morning. She knows what is wrong with me. This is why she has kept away. She is watching me with an expression so dramatic that it is easy for me to see worry and compassion. There are tears in her eyes. For once I can feel the love. I want to run into her arms and cry. But I cannot walk. It is as if I am a big baby and when I finally do manage to walk slowly past them to the back of the room, I am unable to respond when Eva passes by and says hello. It is taking all my power and concentration just to walk to get where I am going. I suddenly am so exposed. Like a baby walking down the aisle. But, no, it is like I am being wheeled down the aisle. Something is moving me down the aisle and it is not my feet. I am in a big, dark, round cave. And in one corner of the cave is a small opening where the light shines in.
From Chapter 11 of my memoir on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Eye-locks-Other-Fearsome-Things-ebook/dp/B007TOOF56/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1345051643&sr=1-1&keywords=eye-locks Also available on Barnes & Noble Nook, iBooks and Smashwords.
Fleeting Filigree
Winter is dying
and dead trees
are coming to life.
Your sap is starting to flow
bringing forth birthing buds
of spring as
people clammer
for the greenery of summer.
But I love you most
when you are naked, nude, and vulnerable,
stripped bare of beautiful-to-be sure
spring/summer finery.
I mourn your fleeting filigree
on this snow-showery day
of comforting gloom and grey
and feel kinship with you
as you stand staunch against the cold
and stark against the feathery flakes of white.
I think you most beautiful
in your bare-arm-intricacy,
and lace-like, linear patterns
drawn against a back-drop of sky,
as you reach for the Almighty.
Crazy. Nuts. Bonkers. Loon. Insane. Cuckoo. Delusional. Psycho. Bipolar. Fruitcake. Cracked. Lunatic. Whack. Bananas. All of these words have been used at one time or another to describe me. Sometimes I am offended and sometimes I am not. Heck, I even use these same words about myself but I try to use them to describe my actions not my being. I am not Bipolar. I have Bipolar Disorder. There is a difference. The English language is a funny thing. Words have become so interchangeable and depending on the situation or person you are describing and your intent some of these same harsh words could even be used as a compliment. That Bootsie is crazy. She just cracks me up!
Most people do not really understand Bipolar Disorder. They believe it is a character flaw. It is a medical condition. It is a chemical imbalance. If you have no problem…
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Mania Free-flow
This is the mind in mania, a sampling of the free-flow of racing thoughts and rhyming words that occur. On first glance, the meaning may seem random but in the context of the memoir, themes of paranoia and the flip side of mania, depression, are apparent.
I catch the Number Four bus. The bus is crowded. The motor in my head starts racing again.
IT’S PANIC. AND THEY’RE PUSHING. PUSHING AND SHOVING. AND THE STREET LIGHTS ARE FLASHING— GREEN VENOM/BLOODY TEARS ALTERNATELY ON THE RAINDROP WINDOWS OF THE BUS. AND THAT WOMAN OVER THERE IS STARING, DAMNED BITCH! AND THAT HAIRY MAN— THE EYES ARE PROBING AND LOCKING. IT’S SHOCKING. THE MIND MOTOR’S GOING FASTER AND FASTER STILL. NERVE ENDINGS FIRING. AXONS AND DENDRITES SYNAPSING ALL OVER THE GODDAMNED PLACE. AND THE STREETS CRAWL BY. FLIP FLOP. THE CAMERA SHOP. GOTTA MOP THE CAMERA SHOP. FLIP FLOP. THE BUTCHER SHOP. CHOP. CHOP. RAW MEAT DROPS AT THE FEET OF FAT FLESH. TICK TOCK. THE ROUND, WHITE INSTITUTIONAL CLOCK TICK-TOCKS TO THE CHOP CHOP OF THE BUTCHER SHOP. A SEAT. SIT DOWN. CLOSE THE EYES. YEAH. THAT’S BETTER. NICE AND EASY DOES IT. TRANQUILITY. SENILITY. DEBILITY. THE MIND MOTOR’S RACING. THE HANDS ARE SHAKING. GRAB HOLD OF THE BAR. YOU’LL GO FAR IF YOU GRAB HOLD OF THE BAR. KEEP THE EYES CLOSED AND GRAB HOLD OF THE BAR. THE BLACK HOLES IN SPACE TAKE THE PLACE OF THE RAY OF HOPE WHICH LIES LIKE A DOPE BURIED UNDER THE FALLEN STARS. A MURKY MIASMA AT THE BOTTOM OF THE UNIVERSE. REHEARSE THE HEARSE. ANOTHER STAR IS DYING AND TRYING TO REST AT BEST IN THE BOTTOM OF FOREVER. AND PEOPLE ARE LEAVING. AND THERE’S MORE SPACE. AND I’M DOWN IN THE VALLEY OF THE DESPAIRING DAMSELS, SITTING WITH THE DOTTED, SPOTTED DALMATIANS, IN THE PURPLE PANTRY PUDDLES OF THEIR PISS.
From Chapter 2 of my Bipolar/Asperger’s Memoir. For more information see:
Also available on Barnes & Nobles Nook, iBooks and Smashwords
Homage to Mondrian
Piet Mondrian (1872-1944) was a Dutch painter who believed in the spiritual in nature. His art was an expression of that spirituality. He believed that the trees, the verticals in nature, were the masculine principle, and the earth, the female. Together the union of the male and female constituted the beauty of creation. He started out painting vibrant trees and eventually wound up painting complete abstractions of vertical and horizontals with primary colors– very unlike his early landscape painting, but the underlying principles were the same.
Blue Jean Blues
I am stuck in a blue pen,
all cramped up,
branded in blue,
while the blue jeans roam free.
MOONSIDE 
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